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LORD 

POVERTY'^ 

A SSETS. 



A COMEDY 

In Four Acts 



BY M. RENARD D'FALCA. 



LORD 

POVERTY'S 

ASSETS. 

A COMEDY 

In Four Acts 

&«^ o.m< 9.*«** 

By M. RENARD D'FALCA. .-^-io 



ST) 9/ V I 






Entered according to Act of 
Congress, in the year 189& 
by Frank J. M<L Grath An 
the office of the Librarian of 
Congress, Washington, D. C. 

Copyright 18 g6. 
All rights reserved. 
Entered at Stationer's Hall. 



THE PERSONS OF THE PLAY. 

LORD COURTLAND POVERTY. 

JONATHAN RUSHFOOT. 

OLD MA-BY. 

MR. MABY (his son). 

JOHN RANDOLPH ROBINS JR. (Jack). 

SIGNIOR SIRAO- 

MR. GOWER. 

MR. SMILE. 

CAPTAIN EMERY. 

MAXEY. 

TAYLOR. 

MRS. SMILE. 

MRS. MABY. 

HELEN RUSHFOOT (her sister). 

EFFIE REVERE. 

MISS BENSON. 

LADY POVERTY. 

SALLY. 

MESSENGER, PARADERS, REPORTERS, DETECTIVE, 
CONSTABLE etc. etc. 



LORD POVERTY'S ASSETS. 



THE FIRST ACT. 

The Scene is the STUDIO of SlGNIOR SlRAO, 
in an ' appartment on the ground floor of the 
Ma by Building, Dorchester Oaks, Eng- 
land. On tlie spectators left is a door, leading 
into a small drawing room, that communicates, 
it is supposed, with appartment hall. Over 
the door hangs a portiere, drawn aside. On 
the right is an arched entrance, opening into 
same hall, that leads, it is supposed, to the 
main hall of the building, through outer doors. 
On the left is an invisible bay window, com- 
manding a view of the street. On the right 
is a closed door, that leads, it is supposed, 
into a7i empty room. Facing the audience is a 
large painting in massive gilt frame. The 



6 LORD POVERTY'S ASSETS. 

canvas is concealed by rich crimson curtains, 
drawn, and fastened by locked clasps. Above 
the painting is a rozv of gas jets, with 
reflectors, to illuminate the canvas. On the 
ivalls are hung paintings of various sizes. 
Tables, chairs, large swivelled glass etc. are 
scattered about the room. A library ladder, 
used for hanging pictures, stands to the right. 
No carpet on the floor. The room, though 
abounding in ivorks of art and rich furniture, 
suggests temporary occupation only. 

TAYLOR, a footman, a pronounced Cockney with 
loitering air.] 

SALLY, a trim young English house-maid, with 
Cockney accent, dusting and hanging paintings. 

TAYLOR. 

Hi siy Sally! what's this 'ere {Pointing to 
curtained canvas^ canvas hart picture, that 
hevery one his talking habout? 

SALLY. 

Hit's "Peace," 



LORD POVERTY'S ASSETS. 7 

TAYLOR. 

Piece of what? 

SALLY. 

Piece of nothing, Silly! [Detects TAYLOR trying 
to pull curtains aside to see the painting^ 'Ey 
there, Busy! where his your heyes? 

TAYLOR. 

[Desists.] You're so sparing hof your hin- 
formation 

SALLY. 

[Snappishly.] You've seen pictures hof war, 
'aven't you? 

TAYLOR. 
Aye! 

SALLY. 

[Approaching TAYLOR, who stands opposite the 
painting?] Well this 'ere picture, [Pointing with 
handle of duster.] hisn't habout war, hits peace. 
[Proceeding to describe the painting^ 'Ere, [Poin- 
ting] his two young lidies awalking, 'and hin 'and; 



8 LORD POVERTY'S ASSETS. 

'ere, his bibies, hand sunny door steps, hand 
cows ; there, his birds haflying ; a river, a chapel, 
a school'ouse — 

TAYLOR. 

[Interrupting^] Hi siy! Miss. [Laughing.'] 
These 'ere "peace-cows " hof yours his hin the 
hair. [Pointing.'] 

SALLY. 

[Properly locating the sky and earth, on pain- 
ting.] There his the sky, [Striking htm.] hand 
'ere the hearth. [Striking him again.] Now 
Smarty! see hit? 

TAYLOR. 

Hi feels hit. [Putting both hands to his head.] 

SALLY. 

Hi 'ad to 'ammer hit hinto your 'ead, Bob. 
[Laughing.] 

TAYLOR. 

You cut me. 

SALLY. 
[Looking at his head^] Where? 



LORD POVERTY'S ASSETS. 9 

TAYLOR. 

[Affecting to show the ait on his scalp.} 
There! [Kissing her.] 

SALLY. 
[Pouting.] Give over your nonsense. 

TAYLOR. 

Aye. [Approaching SALLY who threatens, 

playfully, to strike hiu/.] No more Sally. Hi 

siy, Hi 'eard you were to henter service at 
Devon 'Ouse, soon. 

SALLY. 

[Nodding^ Aye, parlor mide. 

TAYLOR. 

R'ember! There's one thing you've got to 
do hat masters ; keep your mouth closed habout 
what you 'ears habout mines. Remember! hits 
mum hat masters, haboit mines. 

S A LLY. 

[Heedless of Taylor s last remark.] Who was 
a telling hof you? 



10 LORD POVERTY'S ASSETS. 

TAYLOR. 

Hi 'eard hit hat the Tigers. 

SALLY. 

Hi 'm tired hof this Hitalian, hany way ; his 
abusing of poor Maxey — 

TAYLOR. 

{Interrupting^ Hisn't Maxey some kin of the 
Dago's ? 

SALLY. 

'Is stepson. 'E killed Maxey's mother. 

TAYLOR. 
Killed 'er? 

SALLY. 
Aye, by habusing hof 'er. So Maxey siyes. 

TAYLOR. 

He 'as no Henglish, you siy? 

SALLY. 
{Demonstratively^ 'E can make signs, cant 'e? 



LORD POVERTY'S ASSETS. 11 

TAYLOR. 

You needn't take me 'ead hoff! 

SALLY. 

Bob, Maxey is a good 'onest lad bat e's 

got nan hawful temper. [Dusting another 

picture^ 

TAYLOR. 

We're hagoing to 'ave ha big time hon the 
nineteenth. Sally. 

SALLY. 

At the hopening of the new quarters hof the 
Harbitration League? 

What his the Harbitration League Bob? 

TAYLOR. 

Master siys, hits formed for the purpose ol 
getting Hamerica to hagree, that there wont 
be no more wars. 

SALLY. 

No, more wars! 

TAYLOR. 

Nothing but harbitration. 



12 LORD POVERTY'S ASSETS. 

SALLY. 

[Swings duster^ 'Urrah! 'urrah! No move 
Hafrica for John Ha very! 

TAYLOR. 

John Havery. [ With disgust.'] The Hafricans 
haint going to get no harbitration. 

SALLY. 

Why not? 

TAYLOR. 

Hengland honly harbitrates with people, she 
cant knock habout, Silly. 

SALLY. 

[About to hang small painting.] Fancy! 'Ang 
this wont you? 

TAYLOR. 

Aye. [Ascends ladder. SALLY hands him 
painting^ 

SALLY. 

Don't fall. 



LORD POVERTY'S ASSETS. 13 

TAYLOR. 

Hit's hat the Jolly Tigers that one hears 
hevery thing; heven habout 3'ou, Sally. 

SALLY. 
Me? 

TAYLOR. 

Aye. 

SALLY. 
[ With an injured air.] What Bob. 

TAYLOR. 

Not much. Honly that hof hall the 'ansome 
lads in Dorchester Hoaks, you most favors me. 

SALLY. 
[Throwing duster at TAYLOR.] The hidea! 
[Shakes ladder.] 

TAYLOR. 

[Hanging on and laughing^ Give hover. 
Hi'll drop the picture! 

SALLY. 
[Shaking.] The hidea — 



14 LORD POVERTY'S ASSETS. 

TAYLOR. 

His hin me hown 'ead. [SALLY stops.] This 
his worse than following the 'ounds hon a 
tramway nag. [Hangs picture and comes down.] 
No, Sally, the gossip thats hon hevery night at 
the Tigers, his that Mrs. Miby 'ad 'er husband 
give this hart picture to the Harbitration League, 
so 'ed get hinto — 

SALLY. 

Hinto Parliament. Hevery one knows that. 

TAYLOR. 

No smarty! She wants 'im knighted. 'E's 
sure hof parliament, Hi thinks, hif the local hand 
central clubs hagrees to accept 'im has their 
candidate for this borough. There's ha big fight 
hon habout hit. The thing his to be settled 
to diy. 

SALLY. 

Hawkins his the hother candidate hisn't 'e 
Bob? 



LORD POVERTY'S ASSETS. 15 

TAYLOR. 

Aye. Some siy because Mr. Miby was beaten 
hat the last election, 'e ought n't to run h again. 
Hi 'ates these bye election. 

SALLY. 

Knights nor parliamentarians hit makes no 
hodds. [Earnestly.] Mrs. Miby belongs hup 
hamong the 'igh folks. [Moves ladder, and is 
about to hang another picture ] Give me h another 
and, Bob. Please. 

TAYLOR. 

[Going up the ladder.] There's no disputing 
hit Sally; Mrs. Miby his the 'ighest toned lidy 
hin these 'ere parts, hand some folks hin 
Dorchester Hoaks his jealous of 'er. [Confi- 
dentially.'] The diy of Lidy Hamilton's reception. 
Mrs. Smile's coachman got 'is walking ticket 
because 'e turned hout in the road, too far, to 
let Mrs. Mibys carriage pass. Mrs. Smile gave 
hout, that 'e was drinking too much. 



16 LORD POVERTY'S ASSETS. 

SALLY- 

Nonsense! Mrs. Smile hand Mrs. Miby his 
like sisters. 

TAYLOR. 

Mrs. Smile his ha snake hin the grass. Some 
diy your mistrees will find hit hout. [Comes 
doivn ladder. Puts his foot through small paint- 
ing, that's on jloor.] 

SALLY. 
[Screams.] Oh Bob, hits ruined! 

TAYLOR. 

So ham Hi! What mide you leave hit there 
for, Stupid? 

SALLY. 

Hits done for! 

TAYLOR. 

[Taking picture off his foot.] So ham Hi! 
hand you too, Careless! 

SALLY. 

What'll we do? 



L ORD PO VE RTY* S ASSE TS. 1 7 

TAYLOR. 

'Ere. [Hands painting to SALLY.] 'Ide hit, 
'ide hit! [Looking into the /tail.'] Mrs. Smile 
his hacoming, [Startled:] 'ide hit. [Forcing 
it on SALLY.] 

SALLY. 
[Snappishly^ I cant swallow hit! 

TAYLOR. 

Cover hit hup; she wont see hit! [Puts cord 
over SALLY'S head, the painting hanging dozvn 
back) face to. Takes her apron and turns it 
around, partly concealing picture^] 

SALLY. 

[Almost in tears.] She's 'ere! She's — — 
[Enters MRS. SMILE, a tall, handsome, well bred 
iv oman, about thirty two, good looking, charming 
manners, and winning smile, quick perception 
adroit and watchful. Her whole bearing is 
that of a lady, of delicate temperament; yet 
zvhen aroused, she descends to the coarseness 
of profanity. At heart, she is a jealous, re- 



18 LORD POVERTY'S ASSETS. 

vengeful hypocrite, stopping at nothing to accom- 
plish her purpose. 

Mrs. SMILE. 

Mr. Smile not here! [Sees SALLY, who stands 
with her back to the wall near right entrance, 
clutching portiere!] Alone, Sally? [TAYLOR, who 
has taken a position near t/ie left entrance, for 
the purpose of escaping unobserved, retires.] 
Not quite, I see. [Catching a glimpse of TAYLOR, 
as he goes out.] 

SALLY. 

[Who has not heard MRS. SMILE'S last remark.] 
Yes, Madame. 

MRS. SMILE. 

[To herself.] The lying creature! [To SALLY, 
coldly.] Where is Signior Sirao? 

SALLY. 
Hat Devon House, Madame. 

MRS. SMILE. 
[Surprised. At once assuming an agreeable 



LORD POVERTY'S ASSETS. 19 

manner. To her self ?[ What's up? [To SALLY.] 
How neat and well you are looking! 

SALLY. 

Thank you, madame. 

MRS. SMILE. 

[Looking in glass.~\ So Signior Sirao has gone 
to Devon House. 



Yes, madame. 



SALLY. 



MRS. SMILE. 



Drops a pin on the floor, while arranging her 
hair and hat.] Sally, come pick up my pin. 
[SALLY hesitates.] You'll find it near the chair. 
[Looking in direction of chair.] I think it's there. 
[Pointing with her foot, looks in glass again 
SALLY. Taking advantage of Mrs. SMILES pre- 
occupation hastens to obey. Mrs. SMILE looks 
toward Sally, who is noiv bending over.] What 
on earth have you got on? [Drops her hands 
from her head, and laughs ^\ Off all the — 
a painting! 



20 LORD POVERTY'S ASSETS. 

SALLY. 
One that's broke. [Commencing to cry.] 

MRS. SMILE. 

{Examining painting^] The very one I was 
going to buy. [TAYLOR, wo has been loitering 
in the hall, to see the outcome of MRS. SMILES 
discovery, looks in.] Whose work is this? 

SALLY. 

Me and Taylor's — mostly mine. [Enters 
TAYLOR.] 

TAYLOR. 

Yes marm — mostly Sally's. 

MRS. SMILE. 

I'm sorry for you. [To herself.] I'll turn the 
gossiping tongue of this footman, to good 
account. [SALLY still cries, and TAYLOR stands 
with bowed head. To TAYLOR.] I will help 
you out of your trouble, on one condition; that 
is, that you hold your tongue. No one must 
know, that I am capable of excusing such 
negligence. 



LORD POVERTY'S ASSETS. 21 

TAYLOR. 

Hi'll never hopen my mouth habout hit, marm. 

MRS. SMILE. 

[To SALLY.] Take the painting to my house 
immediately! I'll buy it, and sacrifice to your 
carelessness, the money I had intended for a 
local charity. 

SALLY. 

Thank you madame; thank you! [Attempts 
to take picture off.] 

MRS. SMILE. 

Never mind, go! [Exit Sally. With affected 
severity.'] I shall have to sell some of my 
Extension shares to pay for this painting. 
You know how valuable they are! 

TAYLOR. 

Hif you means, marm, the Gold Stopper 
shares, hevery body knows they comes 'igh. 



22 LORD POVERTY'S ASSETS. 

MRS. SMILE. 

I mean the Extension; you know all about 
it. [Stamps her foot.] 

TAYLOR. 

Hi honly 'eard Mr. Rushfoot siy, 'e was 
afraid the mine was no good. 

MRS. SMILE. 

[To herself^] This information is valuable. 
[To TAYLOR.] I dont wish to know, what, 
either Mr. Rushfoot, or Mr. Maby says. Now go! 

TAYLOR. 

Thank you marm. [Aside, ,] She's got ha 
lot hout hof me! [Laughs Exit TAYLOR.] 

MRS. SMILE. 

He must sell! My husband must be in the 
building; I'll find him. [Exit.] 

[Enters SIRAO and MAXEY.] S1RAO. [A small, dark 
skinned, clean shaven, Italian jew about forty. 
Nervous, polite and well dressed. Has a habit 
of drawing his mouth to one side, and inhaling 



LORD POVERTY'S ASSETS. 23 

the air through his closed teeth, making an 
audible noise; that at times, is disgusting \ 
Do you hear me Maxey? [Laughing.] Yes 
you hear me, but you dont understand. 

MAXEY. 

[A handsome, pale faced Italian boy, about 
thirteen. Large sorrowful eyes, and dark wavy 
hair. Though cleanly dressed, his clothes are 
too small. When greatly angered, Ins features 
become transformed. In such paroxysms lie is 
wildly desperate \ Parlate italiano per piacere. 
{Please talk Italian.) [Examines reflectors and 
gas jets.} 

SIRAO. 

No, if I talked Italian, you would understand. 
[Laughs. Takes up a small painting, looks at 
tt.} Fix the reflectors good, Maxey. Light is 
ninety percent of the business. [Laughs.] I 
bought "Rebecca at The Well", by Garriden, 
for seven hundred pounds. [Laughs.] The 
light was poor? the janitor was a friend of 
mine. The Countess of Flanders gave me three 



24 LORD POVERTY'S ASSETS. 

thousand pounds for it -^ she saw it under an 
inspiring glare. [Laughs, and shows his teeth.] 
You see, Maxey, when I do business, I do it 
open, and in the light. [Examines small paint- 
ing^ My gracious! what is this? 

MAXEY. 

"L'uomo onesto" di Smith. {Smith's Honest 
Man.) 

SIRAO. 

"Smith's Honest Man"! Yes, but this is the 
the original. I told you to put the copy in the 
frame. [Shakes him.] You — d — d, you, damn 
Maxey! [Strikes, and shakes him again.] When 
I tell you to frame copies, I mean copies! 
[MAXEY struggles to get away. 

MAXEX. 

Lasciate mi andare. {Let me go !) 

SIRAO. 

[Thinking someone is entering, desists.] It 
was only a mistake of judgment, Maxey; [Pleas- 
antly^ an honest business mistake. [Goes to 



LORD POVERTY'S ASSETS. 25 

left entrance. Discovers no one enteri\ig\ Let 
you go, you show fight to your father, do you ! 

MAXEY. 

[Gesticulating wildly.'] Voi non siete mio 
padre. (You are not my father.) 

SIRAO. 

Not your father? you damn Maxey! [Trys 
to catch him.] 

MAXEY. 

[Running to escape him.'] Andate via, andate 
via. (Go way, go zvay.) 

SIRAO. 

Tell me to go way, you devil! [MAXEY 
backs out toward entrance, and disappears.] Damn 
Maxey! he's like his mother. [Unlocks clasps, 
and draws curtains aside.] When I leave Dor- 
chester Oaks, I'll let him go. Yes, to the devil; 
and I will leave soon; before the Celebration. 
[Laughs. Turns on lights. Scrutinizes painting?^ 
All right, all right! [Exit SIRAO. Enter LORD 
POVERTY and LADY POVERTY, his mother \ 



26 LORD POVERTY'S ASSETS. 

LADY POVERTY. 

[An aristocratic looking elderly lady. Gray 
hair, and dressed in motiming.] Courtland, 
remember your mother is a woman. 

LORD POVERTY. 

[An angular Englishman, about twenty eight. 
Fashionably and scrupulously attired with high 
collar and four— in— hand tie. — Is cleojily shaven, 
has dark, strait hair, brushed close to his head, 
and parted in the middle. Pronounced features, 
with absolute immobility of expression. Precipi- 
tous in speech, with jerky, strong, ascending 
intonation from the first word of a sentence, to 
nearly its close. When though his tone becomes 
less pronounced it still 1'ises to a close that's 
always abrupt. While apparently cold, he's 
possessed of a warm heart and beneath, what 
appears to be an almost stupid mind, is quick 
perception, and good sense.] A woman — of 
course. [Looking at painting.] Very fine. 



LORD POVERTY'S ASSETS. 27 

LADY POVERTY. 

\Absorbed in the conversation with her son.] 
Helen Rushfoot is eligible. 

LORD POVERTY. 
Fancy. 

LADY POVERTY. 

Lady Hamilton has so decided. [Looks at 
painting:] 

LORD POVERTY. 

Decided — of course; but suppose the girl 
wont have me? 

LADY POVERTY. 

Nonsense ! 

LORD POVERTY. 
Very well, I'll scheme away at her. 

LADY POVERTY. 
Yes, delicately and earnestly. 

LORD POVERTY. 
Delicately — to be sure. Why not ? 



28 LORD POVERTY'S ASSETS. 

LADY POVERTY. 

Remember, it takes four thousand a year to 
keep up your aunt's estate. She leaves you 
one half of that sum, provided you marry an 
equal amount. Failing in this, the Baron 
becomes her heir. 

LORD POVERTY. 

Her heir — to be sure. To inherit money, 
I must many cash. 

LADY POVERTY. 

That's it. 

LORD POVERTY. 
No wedding cash — no funeral stuff. 

LADY POVERTY. 

Lady Hamilton has so decreed it. 

LORD POVERTY. 

.Suppose Lady Hamilton should die, in the 
midst of me campaign? 



LORD POVERTY'S ASSETS. 29 

LADY POVERTY. 

Trust to events. She'll reward your good 
intentions, no doubt ; 'and rest assured, she'll 
be advised of your efforts. 

LORD POVERTY. 
Advised — of course, by that old cat of hers. 

LADY POVERTY. 

[Earnestly.] Yes, look out for Benson. {Look- 
ing toward left entranced] And here she comes! 
[Enters MISS BENSON, an old, dried up spinster \ 

BENSON. 

Your ladyship. [Courtesyiug, old style.] Your 
lordship. [Courtesyiug, again. Hands LADY 
POVERTY a letter \ 

LADY POVERTY. 

[Looking at Letter.] From the Baron; your 
aunt wants me to read it. [Looks toward left 
entrance; sees HELEN RUSHFOOT coming. To LORD 
POVERTY.] Miss Rushfoot is in the hall and 
she's alone. [Jo BENSON.] Come into the drawing 



30 LORD POVERTY'S ASSETS. 

room. [BENSON courtesy •s to LADY POVERTY.] I'll 
read the letter there. [To LORD POVERTY.] Re- 
member, earnestly and delicately. 

LORD POVERTY. 

Why not? [Exeunt LADY POVERTY and BENSON. 

The latter manages to catch a glimpse of HELEN, 
as she enters, by purposely tarrying to make a 
courtesy to LORD POVERTY.] 

LORD POVERTY. 

[Looking at BENSON.] She's not fat. [To 
HELEN as she approaches^] I'm glad to see 
you — of course. 

HELEN. 

[A pretty bright young lady of eighteen.] Lord 
Poverty, and alone? 

LORD POVERTY. 

No, me mother and me aunt's cat are in the 
drawing room. [LADY POVERTY, hearing her 
sons last remark, coughs loudly to drown his 
words, as well as to warn him, against further 
indiscretions of speech.] 



LORD POVERTY'S ASSETS. 31 

HELEN. 
[Laughing^ Your aunt's cat? 

LORD POVERTY. 

Yes — Benson. [LADY POVERTY, who can be 
seen in the drawing room, near the entrance, 
nervously nibs her hands, and coughs again.] 

HELEX. 

Oh! [Laughs.] Where did you leave father? 
[Looks at painting.] Beautiful! Its grandeur 
seems to increase, da}' by day. 

LORD POVERTY. 

Your father — he left me — to buy the states. 

HELEN. 

The states? 

LORD POVERTY. 

Yes — your own states, of course. They've 
made a new map about them. 

HELEN. 
Oh yes! a map of the United States. 



32 LORD POVERTY'S ASSETS. 

LORD POVERTY. 

That's it! 

HELEN. 

[Confidentially.] Father is going home after 
the nineteenth. You ought to go with him. 

LORD POVERTY. 
Why not? 

HELEN. 

You didn't see much of the United States, 
when you were there last; yet you've been 
nearly nine years in India. 

LORD POVERTY. 

Of course — I saw only Colorado. 

HELEN. 

Father would be delighted to have you go. 
LORD POVERTY. 

But you see, I'm waiting. 

HELEN. 

Waiting ? 



LORD POVERTY'S ASSETS. 33 

LORD POVERTY. 

Yes — for a little luck ; a bit of grave yard 
luck ; [Coughing in the drawing 7-oom.] 

HELEN. 
Grave yard luck? 

LORD POVERTY. 

Of course — you see I've an old aunt, who's 
bothering along with a bit of breath in her. 
[LADY POVERTY disappears from view, cozighing, 
and immediately after a piano is heard playing, an 
old time, in a doleful, and jerky manner. This con- 
tinues during, LORD POVERTY'S dialogue with 
HELEN. The music varies from high to low 
thumping notes, as LORD POVERTY'S indiscretions 
of speech justify.] when that leaves her, I'm 
to have two thousand a year. 

HELEN. 

[Holding her breath, with comical expression 
of horror, at LORD POVERTY'S cold blooded re- 
mar ks\ Lord Poverty ! 



34 LORD POVERTY'S ASSETS. 

LORD POVERTY. 

[Without noticing HELEN'S last remark] And 
then I don't mind doing the States. 

HELEN. 

[With affected indignation mingled with un- 
controllable mirth] Lady Hamilton ought not 
to leave you a dollar. 

LORD POVERTY. 

Of course — the cemetery ticket may prove 
a blank. If it does, I'll jog along to the States 
— why not? 

HELEN. 

{Sarcastically] In search, no doubt, of some 
American girl with money. 

LORD POVERTY. 

With money — of course. I'd knock about 
a little for the money — to be sure. 

HELEN. 
The money! What about the girl? 



LORD POVERTY'S ASSETS. 35 

LORD POVERTY. 

The girl — yes, yes — of course — the poor 
thing — I forgot about her, but the inheritance 
trick suits me best. 

HELEN. 

Lord Poverty, I'm surprised! 

LDRD POVERTY. 

Ah — but it's better. The legacy trick is 
always the best. In that case, you see, the 
moneys yours; but when a girl bribes a chap 
to marry her, she's forever after picking away 
at his subsidy, begging a pound for this thing, 
and a shilling for that. 

HELEN. 

[Solemnly and searchingly^\ Then the girl you 
marry, must have money. 

LORD POVERTY. 

Of course — I'm forbidden to bother with 
anything but cash. 

HELEN. 
And to please Lady Hamilton — 



36 LORD POVERTY'S ASSETS. 

LORD POVERTY. 
Not to please her — to get her money. 

HELEN. 

Lord Poverty, you can never be a friend of 
mine; \Sorroivfully and looking dozvnivard.] and 
I wanted you to be so much. 

LORD POVERTY. 

So much — of course. 

HELEN. 

I wanted some one to confide in — 

LORD POVERTY. 

I'll take your confidence. 

HELEN. 

For I'm friendless, and in a foreign land. 

LORD POVERTY. 
I'll be your friend — why not? 

HELEN. 
[Looking at LORD POVERTY inquiringly.} Will you ? 



LORD POVERTY'S ASSETS. 37 

[Collecting herself.] No, no, your too cold, too 
cold to understan 
baffled affections. 



cold to understand the sorrows of a young girls 



LORD POVERTY. 

Are you in love? 

HELEN. 

\Kods assent^ Yes — but you don't know, 
what it is, to be that way. [hervously working 
her foot and looking at her shoe.] 

LORD POVERTY. 
Who's the chap? 

HELEN. 

Would you like to meet him? 

LORD POVERTY. 

Why not? 

HELEN. 

[Looking toward ceiling^ But he's away-way 
off accross the wide, wide — [Looking at LORD 
POVERTY.] Will you never tell? 



38 LORD POVERTY'S ASSETS. 

LORD POVERTY. 
[Shakes his head.} Never. 

HELEN. 
While you live, and I live and Jack lives? 

LORD POVERTY. 

While anybody lives. 

HELEN. 
He's away off across the wide, wide — street. 

LORD POVERTY. 
At the hotel? 

HELEN. 

Yes, just arrived from America. He's re- 
gistered as Jack Randolph, but his real name 
is John, Randolph Robins Jr. Father exiled me 
[Sorrowfully.'] to prevent me from seeing Jack, 
and all because he heard, that Jack was wild, 
but he isn't. [Putting handkerchief to her eyes.] 
Father has condemned him, without a trial, 
without even, ever having seen him. 



LORD POVERTY'S ASSETS. 39 

LORD POVERTY. 

I'm afraid, I cant help you. I can't help 
myself. 

HELEN. 
[Turning her head, but with handkerchief still 
to her eyes.] Why? 

LORD POVERTY. 
I'm in the same boat as j^ourself. 

HELEN. 

Are you in love? 

LORD POVERTY. 
Why not? 

HELEN. 

[With delight.] Oh! Isn't that nice! \Reflec- 
ing.] But I understand, she's got money. 

LORD POVERTY. 

No — she's a poor thing. 

HELEN. 

And you love her, in spite of Lady Hamilton's 
wishes. 



40 LORD POVERTY'S ASSETS. 

LORD POVERTY. 
I'm to trick me aunt. 

HELEN. 

[Excitedly]. Do you want help? 
LORD POVERTY. 

Of course. 

HELEN. 
I'll help you, if you'll help me. 

LORD POVERTY. 
Who are you going to trick. 

HELEN. 

Nobody — I only want you to help me see 
Jack, every day. What's your girls name? 

LORD POVERTY. 

Will you never tell? 

HELEN. 
Never! 



LORD POVERTY'S ASSETS. 41 

LORD POVERTY. 

Until you're dead — I mean — while nobody 
lives ? 

HELEN. 
[La?tg/img.] I'll never tell. 

LORD POVERTY. 
Effie Lillian Maloney Revere. 

HELEN. 
[Surprised.] Not the chapel organist? 

LORD POVERTY. 
Who else? 

HELEN. 
Why she's an American. 

LORD POVERTY. 
From Colorado. 

HELEN. 

Oh, Lord Poverty! — she's the most beauti- 
ful girl in Dorchester Oaks. Does she love you? 



42 LORD POVERTY'S ASSETS. 

LORD POVERTY. 

She's too busy. 

HELEN. 
And you love her? 

LORD POVERTY. 

Why not? 

HELEN. 

Can't you find out, whether or not she 
loves you? 

LORD POVERTY. 
I'm working away at her. 

HELEN. 
That's the way Jack did to me. 

LORD POVERTY. 

I'll see Jack, [Reflects.] and get him to be 
an newspaper chap — | Reflects again. \ an art 
critic. That'll keep him knocking about you 
until the nineteenth. 



LORD POVERTY'S ASSETS. 43 

HELEN. 
That's splendid ! [ With impatience.] see him 
right away. 

LORD POVERTY. 
[laking his stick and hat from tabled 
Here's the way you can help me. 

HELEN. 
How? 

LORD POVERTY. 

Be mushed on me. [HELEN laughs.} Isn't 
that what the Americans call it? 

HELEN. 
[Still laughing,} No — mashed ! 

LORD POVERTY. 

Mashed — of course. Pretend to be mashed 
on me, whenever Benson is about. You see, 
Lad}' Hamilton wants me to give up Maloney. 

HELEN. 

[Laughs.} Maloney! [Anxious to have him go.] 
Yes, yes, but tell Jack tell him that I'm going 



44 LORD POVERTY'S ASSETS. 

to pretend to love you. [Gesticulating.] I don't 
want to — [Laughing.'] I couldn't! Remember, 
Jack's awfully jealous. 

LORD POVERTY. 
Of course. [Goes toward left entrance?^ 

HELEN. 

[Excited.] See him at once — make him an 
art critic! I must find father. 

LORD POVERTY. 

I'll see you to your carriage. [Exeunt LORD 
POVERTY and HELEN. Music in draiving room 
ceases. Enter LADY POVERTY and BENSON.] 

LADY POVERTY. 

I'm so fond of music. [To herself.] What 
a son! [To BENSON.] I'm so fond of music. 
[To herself] Oh! my poor rheumatic fingers; 
they're nearly broken. [To BENSON.] The charms 
of music! [Exit, trying to straighten her fingers, 
followed by BENSON. Enter MR. and MRS. SMILE. 
boning to LADY POVERTY, who has passed than, 
in the hall.] 



LORD POVEERTY'S ASSTS. 45 

MR. SMILE. 

[A fashionably dressed, middle aged, voluptuous 
looking man. Wears a monocle, has light hair, 
curled mustache. Affects the English szvell.] By 
Jove! Poverty is on the track of money at last. 

MRS. SMILE. 

That man is an enigma to me. [Looks into 
drawing room to see if any one is there.] No one! 

MR. SMILE. 

No riddle to me. 

MRS. SMILE. 
Then explain his attentions to the organist ? 

MR. SMILE. 

He's given her up. 

MRS. SMILE. 

[Scornfully.'] Mrs. Maby wouldn't object to 
Lord Poverty as a brother-in-law. Eh? I'm 
getting so I despise the Rushfoots, and the 
Mabys too ! Old Rushfoot ex - cattle king, 
cowboy, miner and millionaire. 



46 LORD POVERTY'S ASSETS. 

MR. SMILE. 

Lizzie, you're a good hater. Ha, ha, ha — 
You thought more of Emma than you did of 
me, when you were at school together. 

MRS. SMILE. 
[Excitedly.] See how she repays me! 

MR. SMILE. 

Now dear, don't! 

MRS. SMILE. 

She permited the husband of her dearest 
friend, to be precipitated into the vortex of bank- 
ruptcy, when by a nod she could have saved 
him. [With emotion.'] My tears moved her not. 
{Collecting herself^ She had a motive. 

MR. SMILE. 
A motive? 

MRS. SMILE. 

Yes — the social life of Dorchester Oaks was 
too circumscribed, for her to share it's first 



LORD POVERTY'S ASSET S. 47 

honors, with even her dearest friend. [Laughing i] 
How I do rave, when I think! 

MR. SMILE. 
That's right, forget it! 

MRS. SMILE. 
Forget it! You dont know your own wife! 

ME. SMILE. 

[To divert her thoughts.] By the way, who 
in the devil is this Yankee organist? 

MRS. SMILE. 

Nobody knows except the Dominie ; and who 
ever heard of his telling anything? 

MR. SMILE. 
He adopted her, did he not? 

MRS. SMILE. 

[Looking at hanging pictures.] Yes, when 
she was eleven years old. 



43 LORD POVERTY'S ASSETS. 

MR. SMILE. 

I heard, that he found her, somewhere in 
Colorado. 

MRS. SMILE. 
Probably, he was in America nine years ago. 

ME. SMILE. 

By Jove ! she's a stunning looking girl. The 
Dominie is poor, isn't he? 

MRS. SMILE. 

Very. 

MR. SMILE. 

How in the devil can he afford to dress 
her so? 

MRS. SMILE. 

Thats one of the mysteries of Dorchester 
Oaks. 

MR. SMILE. 

They tell me at the club, that the Dominie 
hardly knows her. 



LORD POVERTY'S ASSETS. 49 

MRS. SMILE. 

She's been away at school all the time. 

MR. SMILE. 

It's an odd fact, that when the Dominie 
adopted her, he did not insist on having her, 
change her name. 

MRS. SMILE. 

Oh, dear! — all these facts have been dis- 
cussed, time and time again, in every household 
in Dorchester Oaks. What do you suppose 
Mrs. Maby wanted of Signior Sirao? 

MR. SMILE. 

I know. [Looks at his zvife, as though doubting 
the wisdom of telling her.] Now Lizzie, keep cool. 

MRS. SMILE. 
[Aroused.] Out with it! 

MR. SMILE. 

His Royal Highness, the Prince of Wales, is 
to be present at the opening of the headquarters, 
of the Arbitration League; and — [Hesitates.] 



50 LORD POVERTY'S ASSETS. 

MRS. SMIL?:. 

Go on! 

MR. SMILE. 

His Highness, with three members of the 
Royal household, is to remain over night at 
Devon House. 

MRS. SMILE. 

[Greatly agitated by conflicting emotions^] 
Damn the Prince of Wales! [In tragic tones.] 

MR. SMILE. 
[Alarmed.] Hush ! 

MRS. SMILE. 

This means, "My Lady Maby". [Laughing 
long and loud — noise in hall.'] What's that ? 
[Enters MAXEY, backing in from left entrance 
adjusting his clothes and sJiaking his head.] 

MAXEY. 

Me killa him! [SALLY appears, dressed to go 
out, with small painting wrapped in a paper 
under her arm.] 



LORD POVERTY'S ASSETS. 51 

SALL.Y 

Come with me, Maxey. \Trys to convey her 
meaning to him by gestures?\ 

MAXEY. 
[Seeing MRS. SMILE.] Lada, Lada! [Pointing 
to picture, under SALLY'S arm?\ No gooda, no 
gooda! [Snatches painting from SALLY, and 
tears trapping off.'] No gooda! Egli e' furbo 
an noms casttins — [He's a cheat, a dad cheat!] 
Sirao cheata — 

MRS. SMILE. 
The boy is mad! 

MR. SMILE. 

Let him alone! 

MAXEY. 

Lada, not origa! [7 ears the canvas out of 
frame, and stamps on it.] 

MRS. SMILE. 
What does he mean? 



52 LORD POVERTY'S ASSETS. 

MR. SMILE. 

He says its not the original. He knows 
what he's doing. 

MAXEY. 

[Beckons to MRS. SMILE. Takes a knife out 
of his pocket, and going to door on the left, opens 
it by prying the bolt back with knife.] 

MRS. SMILE. 
What is he after? 

MR. SMILE. 

I have no idea. 

MRS. S M I LE. 

[Looking into the empty room.] An empty 
room! 

MR. SMILE. 
Empty! its filled with unframed paintings. 

MRS. SMILE. 

[Surprised.] There's "Van Elfins Peace!" 

MR. SMILE. 

Yes, so it is ! and a fine copy too. By Jove, 
its grand ! 



LORD POVERTY'S ASSETS. 53 

MAXEY. 

[Taking painting from room, closes the door, 
and locks it again. To MRS. SMILE.] Lada, origa! 
[Pointing to the painting he takes from room.} 
Origa, origa. — [Gives it to SALLY. Exit MAXEY. 
SALLY retires^ 

MRS. SMILE. 

[Looking at her husband.] What does all this 
mean ! [Reflects. Looks at great painting^] Get 
Maxey ! Q uick ! Hurry ! 

MR. SMILE. 

By Jove! you should have kept him! [Exit 
SMILE hastily^ 

MRS. SMILE. 

[Looking again at painting :] Can it be possible! 
[Laughs.] I must see the boy! [Exit. Enters 
MR. MABY and GORDON GOWER.] 

GOWER. 

[A large, dull, conceited looking ma?i, about 
sixty.] The committees decide to day do they. 



54 LORD POVERTY'S ASSETS. 

MR. MABY. 

[A quiet unassuming man, about thirty five. 
Good looking and well dressed.] Yes, I think 
they '11 want me to stand. 

GOWER. 

They may. By the way, I have never met 
your father-in-law. 

MR. MABY. 
I expect him here, every minute. 

GOWER. 

I want to ask him about the Extension. 

MR. MABY. 

Are you a shareholder? [Enter MR. and 
MRS. SMILE. Both bow to MABY and GOWER, 
who bow in return.] 

MR. SMILE. 

I couldn't see acrose the street — it's dark 
[MRS. SMILE, shows signs of inpatience^] 



LORD POVERTY'S ASSETS. 55 

GOWER. 

Yes, I took some shares for a debt. [Noise 
in the street. Enters HELEN.] 

HELEN. 

What can all this noise mean? 

MR. MABY. 

[Goes to the window^ An unusual commotion 
in the street. Here comes Lord Poverty; he 
may know the cause of the excitement. 
[Enter LORD POVERTY and JACK. HELEN on 
right, looks at Jack with admiration, yet solici- 
tous, as to how he will meet the ordeal.] 

LORD POVERTY. 

[Introducing JACK.] Mr. Randolph — corres- 
pondent, and art critic of the New York Earth. 

[JACK bows.] 

HELEN. 

[Aside.] Isn't he handsome! [Sorrowfully^ 
And sharing my exile. 

JACK RANDOLPH. 
[A handsome young American about twenty. 



56 LORD POVERTY'S ASSETS. 

self reliant, and full of courage. Exchanges 
glances with HELEN. The latter turns aside, to 
keep from laughing. JACK assumes a frigid 
dignity, looks at painting.'] "Van Elfins Peace", 
oh yes. 

MR. MABY. 

You are, no doubt familiar with his work? 

JACK. 

\\Yithouth paying the least attention to MABY'S 
last remark?^ Grand! [Viewing the picture from 
another position^ Water color — [HELEN nearly 
swoons.] 



My! 

Water color? 



HELEN. 



MR. MABY. 



JACK. 



[Conscious of his awful blunder^] The water 
is colored too much, see? {Pointing to river .] 
The reflected tints in the river, are deeper than 
the color of the clouds. 



LORD POVERTY'S ASSETS. 57 

MR. SMILE. 
By Jove, thats so ! 

HELEN. 

[Relieved at JACK'S adroitness, yet fearing 
another blunder, beckons to Poverty to get him 
out of the dilemma .] Oh dear! 

LORD POVERTY. 

[Who has been talking to GOWER, takes in the 
situation.] By the way, gentlemen, the Com- 
mittees have decided. 

ALL. 

They have! {Enters RUSHFOOT, with large 
map, in role, under his arm.] 

RUSHFOOT. 

[A tall, slim, zuirey man, about fifty five: has 
dark, piercing, snapping eyes, smooth face, long 
thick, black, Indian hair, that's cut strait around, 
and falls just to his coat collar. Has a habit 
of projecting his lower lip npivards. When 
excited, he turns his head with such rapidity, 



58 LORD POVERTY'S ASSETS. 

that his hair switches about, and at times, into 
his face, when he throws it back, over his ears, 
with a quick, jerky motion. In temper, he gesti- 
culates with great fierceness. Dresses in dark, 
broad cloth coat, nervously polite, and at times 
theatrical. Though the features of his face are 
seldom in repose, lie has a kind look and often 
smiles.'] That's right! After eight hours of 
dignified, monotonous scrapping, the committees 
concluded their labors by resolving that Mr. 
George Maby should stand for parliament. [Pom- 
ting to MR. MABY.] Gentlemen — behold our 
future member! Champion of Peace — everlasting 
Peace, between England and America! Thats 
right! [Shakes MR. MABY'S hand.] Dear old 
England wants peace with the United States. 
She needs it in her business. [To MR. MABY.] 
This time you're going to be elected. [Appro, 
aching LORD POVEETY andshaking his hand.] 
Courtland my boy, we'll puil him through. 

LORD POVERTY. 
Why not? 

MR. MABY. 

I hope so gentlemen. 



LORD POVERTY'S ASSETS. 59 

RUSHFOOT. 

[To POVERTY.] If we'd made his last fight 
he wouldn't have been left. Never! That's right! 

LORD POVERTY. 

Of course not — but about the votes — he 
might have lacked a few. 

RUSHFOOT. 

Not a vote! [Looking at painting .] Ten 
thousand pounds ! The man, [To LORD POVERTY.] 
that can buy a fifty thousand dollar picture 
without knowing how to size its value up has 
got cheek. In the language of a friend of mine, 
he is possessed of cheek brass and sublime 
confidence. 

LORD POVERTY. 
Fancy ! 

RUSHFOOT. 
Hawkins only beat him by eighty five votes. 

GOWER. 

The borough has always been close. One man 
of influence can upset every calculation. 



60 LORD POVERTY'S ASSETS. 

MR. MABY. 

[Leaving MR. and MRS. SMILE, iviih whom he 
lias been talking, and approaches GOWER.] 
Mr. Govver; — Mr. Rushfoot. 

RUSHFOOT. 
Delighted sir! [They shake hands.'] 

GOWER. 

[To RUSHFOOT.] I have a thousand shares 
of Extension. I'd like to know what you think 
of the mine. 

RUSHFOOT. 

[With slight shozv of inpatience.] Here's the 
the last report; read it. {Hands him report.) 

GOWER. 

Oh! thanks! [To SMILE.] I want to sell the 
shares, not to read about the mine. [GOWER 
and SMILE take seats to the right and examine 
report.] 

MR. SMILE. 

[To GOWER.] My wife has a thousand shares. 



LORD POVERTY'S ASSETS. 61 

Lord Poverty has three thousand. [Punches 
GOWER.] Good time to sell. 

GOWER. 

[Looks at SMILE significantly.'] George Maby 
will buy my shares or stay at home. [Enters 

OLD MABY.] 

OLD MABY. 

[A nervous old ///an, with long white hair. 
Active and petulant^ I'm indignant. [To RUSH- 
FOOT.] Some one has hung George Washing- 
ton's portrait in Devon House ; they should 
have hung him at Yorktown. 

LORD POVERTY. 

[Looking at RUSHFOOT, as though enjoying 
OLD MABY'S outburst.) Fancy? 

OLD MABY. 

And that royal idiot George the Third should 
have been strung up the same day. 

RUSHFOOT. 

[ Who observed POVERTY'S odd gaze, looks 
at him in return^ How about that, Povertv? 



62 LORD POVERTY'S ASSETS. 

LORD POVERTY. 

Of course — one of the Dutch chaps — he 
was an ass, from the cravat up. 

OLD MABY. 

[To LORD POVERTY.] Didn't these two Georges 
separate the greatest people that ever lived? 
[To RUSHFOOT.] Didn't they commence the fuss? 

RUSHFOOT. 

[To LORD POVERTY.] That's right! Your George 
started the row, and our George finished it. 

OLD MABY. 

If it wasn't for those two Georges! [To 
RUSHFOOT.] Say, Rushfoot, you ought to have 
seen me kick George the Third out of my 
library. [To LORD POVERTY. In confidence, and 
nodding his head toward RUSHFOOT.] They 
didn't want to separate. 

RUSHFOOT. 
{Overhearing OLD MABY'S remark. To OLD MABY.] 
No. Why my dear man, nearly three-fourths of 



LORD POVERTY'S ASSETS. 63 

the signers of the Declaration of Independence, 
died of broken hearts. 

OLD MABY. 

[To RUSHFOOT.] Say Rushfoot, if we'd lived 
then ! 

RUSHFOOT. 

Perhaps you did? 

OLD MABY. 

No I was born in eighteen hundred and twelve 
RUSHFOOT. 

Eighteen and twelve ■ — we had another scrap 
with dear old England, that year. 

OLD MABY. 
[Anxiously .] Who came out best? 

RUSHFOOT. 

It ended in a compromise. [Looks at POVERTY 
and smiles.] 

OLD MABY, 

Good! Do you hear that George! 



64 LORD POVERTY'S ASSETS. 

MR. MABY. 

Compromise — Eh? [Smiling.'] 

RUSHFOOT. 
[To LORD POVERTY.] Thats right! [Laughing.] 

OLD MABY. 
What a lesson! 

LORD POVERTY. 
It ended in a lesson — of course. 

OLD MABY. 

A compromise! 

LORD POVERTY. 

[Quietly to OLD MABY.] A compromise — of 
course. We gave up our ships, and the Yankees 
stopped their damned fury. 

RUSHFOOT. 

[Laughing as he unrolls map of UNITED STATES 
on table. To POVERTY.] Poverty, here's the 
Slopper, and here's the Extension — 



LORD POVERTY'S ASSETS. 65 

LORD POVERTY. 

I had three thousand Stoppers, among me 
assets, once. | Looking at map.] 

RUSHFOOT. 

A great mine ; it has paid seventeen millions 
in dividends. 

LORD POVERTY. 

The dividends from the Stopper kept me on 
the track for two years; yes, three years 
among the horses. 

GOWER. 

[Joining POVERTY and RUSHFOOT. To RUSH- 
FOOT.] You Yankees have such absurd names. 
Why do you call it the Stopper? 

RUSHFOOT. 

{Looking at GOWER, as though to reprove 
his familiarity^ It's so full of gold, that every 
time its struck with a pick, the bullion slops 
over, and falls into the dividend buckets. 



66 LORD POVERTY'S ASSETS. 

GOWER. 
Ha, ha, ha — very clever! 

MR. SMILE. 

[To RUSHFOOT.] My wife has a thousand 
shares. 

RUSHFOOT. 

[To SMILE.] How time flies! Ten years ago — 
the day your wife graduated from school, I 
persuaded her to subscribe for one thousand 
shares. In three months the dividends exceeded 
the investment. 

MR. SMILE. 
[To himself] And she never put up a shilling. 

GOWER. 

Where is the mine? 

RUSHFOOT. 
In Colorado. 

GOWER. 
And is that in North America? 



LORD POVERTY'S ASSETS. 67 

RUSHFOOT. 

Yes. [HELEN, ivko lias has been looking at 
paintings, with JACK and MR. MA BY, laughs ^\ 

HELEN. 
My ! 

GOWER 

[Pointing to map.] What's that hit of yellow 
there ? 

RUSHFOOT. 
New York. 

CxOWER 

Is the Brooklyn bridge in New York? 

RUSHFOOT. 
Yes. 

GOWER 

Is Niagara Falls in New York? 

RUSHFOOT. 
Part of it. 



68 LORD POVERTY'S ASSETS. 

GOWER 

I suppose you see the cataract, before you 
dock? 

HELEN. 



\Laughing~.\ My 



RUSHFOOT, 
From Bloomingdale — yes. 

GOWER 

Where is Denver? 

RUSHFOOT. 
In Colorado. 

GOWER 

Is that far from New York? 

RUSHFOOT. 
Three days. 

GOWER 
I mean by the cars. 

RUSHFOOT. 
By the cars. 



LORD POVERTY'S ASSETS. 69 

GOWER 

What makes them go so slow? 

RUSHFOOT. 

[In despair^ They go through Ohio and 
Patagonia, the adjoining state, on canal boats. 

GOWER 

Years ago, some English chaps I knew, were 
making money, in machine ice in Colorado; but 
finally the Yankees ruined them. 

RUSHFOOT. 
How? 

GOWER 

Underselling them; the scamps woundn't have 
driven me out of the business. 

RUSHFOOT. 

[Disgusted.'] There have been bitter ice wars 
in Colorado. In eighty- six an Englishmann of 
fabulous wealth, went into that business, and 
in six months he had the field to himself. He 
ruined every man in the business. 



70 LORD POVERTY'S ASSETS. 

GOWER 

[Interrupting.] An Englishman? {Looking at 
RUSHFOOT.] You see he had money. He ruined 
them. Ha, ha, ha — he had money. 

EUSHFOOT. 

Yes, all but a Yankee. 

GOWER. 

A Yankee, how did he help himself? 

EUSHFOOT. 

He connected the Kennebec River with the 
Colorado Canal, carried the water over Pikes 
Peak, above the freezing altitude, by a new 
system of locks ; the whole river went up water, 
and came down ice. [HELEN and JACK laugh, 
MR. MABY approaches GOWER-] 

GOWER. 

[Astonished^ You Yankees are clever beggars, 
at that sort of trick. 

MR. MABY. 

[To GOWER.] By the way, how is Hawkins 
on arbitration? 



LORD POVERTY'S ASSETS. 71 

GOWER. 
He's for arbitration — 

MR. SMILE. 

And the Nicaragua Canal, or any other canal 
that unites the two oceans. 

GOWER. 

That's it. 

KUSHFOOT. 

[With deliberation.^ When the Atlantic and 
Pacific are joined together by the hand of man, 
it will be by a canal dug, owned and controlled 
by my countrymen — alone — with the courage 
and might of the Republic behind them. 

MR. SMILE. 

We have rights under treaty. 

GOWER. 

[To SMILE.] Have we? Certainly — treaty 
rights and we'll maintain them. [To RUSHFOOT.J 
Since you Yankees got up this Monroe Doctrine 



72 LORD POVERTY'S ASSETS. 

affair there's no putting up with you. What's 
the thing, anyway? 

EUSHFOOT. 
The Monroe Doctrine? 

GOWER. 

Yes. 

RUSHFOOT. 

A Yankee notice to the governments of the 
old world, that they can have one half of the 
earth, and no more, except what they stole, 
when Uncle Sam wasn't about to prevent the 
larceny. 

LORD POVERTY. 

It's the way to slice the bothering old planet 
up, anyway — why not ? 

OLD MABY. 
It's a compromise. [GOWER laughs in derision.] 

RUSHFOOT. 
[To GOWER. I That's right ! Its a compromise, 



LORD POVERTY'S ASSETS. 73 

decreed by nature, when she planted the Ameri- 
cans within the protecting circle of her mighty 
waters, and the men, who think for kings, had 
better bear that in mind. 

OLD MABY. 

We must let the South American Republics 
alone. 

MR. SMILE. 

Yes, if they behave themselves. 

OLD MABY. 

Say, Gower, the States are determined. 
[Looking at SMILE-] 

GOWER. 
We'll have half of the canal anyway. 

EUSHFOOT. 

Never! 

GOWER. 

The Yankee bird is a harmless screecher. 
[OLD MABY retires in disgust.] 



74 LORD POVERTY'S ASSETS. 

MR. SMILE. 

[Laughing.'] But look out when the British 
lion roars! 

GOWER. 

Say, Smile — a few shots planted along 
their sea coast — 

RUSHFOOT. 

[7b GOWER.l Dont! — dont plant that kind 
of seed in the States. 

GOWER. 

Then don't attempt to interfere, with Eng- 
lands affairs in South America, and give us 
the canal. 

EUSHFOOT. 

[Without paying attention to GOWER' S last re- 
mark^ If you do, your country will reap a 
frightful harvest. 

GOWER. 
The idea! [Laughs.'] 



LORD POVEERTY'S ASSTS. lb 

EUSHFOOT. 

[See's MR. MABY beckoning to him.] It will be — 
a mistake. My dear sir, it will terrify the 
whole white faced race. 

LORD POVERTY. 

Of course — To say nothing of the Chinese, 
the niggers — and the rest of the chocolate 
chaps. [MR. MABY whispers to POVERTY. Enters 
OLD MABY.] 

OLD MABY. 

We'll arbitrate, we've got to arbitrate. It's the 
cheapest way to build a Canal. 

LORD POVERTY. 

[7b RUSHFOOT.] Gower controls, fifty votes. 

RUSHFOOT. 
The devil! what's to be done? 

LORD POVERTY. 

I'll take a hand at him. 



76 LORD POVERTY'S ASSETS. 

RUSHFOOT. 

Good! fix him — tell him that I'm eloquent 
on the other side of the question. [Approaches 
MR. MABY, making apologetic gestures.] 

LORD POVERTY. 

[To GOWER, oddly gracious.'] You're quite 
right; the Yankees must throw the Monroe 
Doctrine to the dogs. 

GOWER. 
[With emphasis. .] I say so. 

LORD POVERTY. 

If they dont, we'll choke their harbors up 
with fighting ships. Some day. 

GOWER. 

The sooner the better; before they're pre- 
pared for us. 

LORD POVERTY. 

If we ever have any trouble with the States 
the Yankee eagle will take quick flight, when 



LORD POVERTY'S ASSETS. 77 

it sees our war ships, with a lion on every 
deck, tearing up and down the Atlantic coast, 
knocking the tide about; and the brutes roaring 
away like blazes. 

GOWER. 

That's it. 

LORD POVERTY. 

But about Rushfoot, he's not a bad old chap. 
He's told me quietly, that England ought to be 
entitled to a slice now and . then, of all the 
South American countries. 

GOWER. 

Is it possible? 

LORD POVERTY. 

Of course — he said in a public speech, in 
New York, that it was a shame to attempt to 
check Englands national avarice. 

GOWER. 

_■ Fancy! 

LORD POVERTY. 

Of course — he told the President to his face, 



LORD POVERTY'S ASSETS. 



that England's larceny, of bits of Venezuela 
ought to be encouraged. 



GOWER. 

He's right. 

LORD POVERTY. 

That England's grab was only the swipe of 
a higher civilization. 

GOWER. 

What did the President say? 

LORD POVERTY. 
[Pronounced wink?[ That's all. 

GOWER. 

[Winks in return, clutches POVERTY'S arm, 
and nods significantly.] That's it! 

KUSHFOOT. 

[Who has been watching POVERTY and GOWER.] 
Gentlemen — Why see! America turned Ven- 
ezuela down. Blood is thicker than water; 
same ancestry, same language. 



LORD POVERTY'S ASSETS. 19 

LORD POVERTY. 

Of course — we lie in the same vernacular — 
to be sure. 

EUSHPOOT. 

[To GOWER.] We have to put on national 
side, now and then — to stand the Spaniards 
off. But England — dear old England — [Puts 
his arms around LORD POVERTY'S and GOWER'S 
neck and whispers^ Olney and Salisbury under- 
stood each other. When arbitration becomes a 
fact, [To LORD POVERTY.] what do you suppose 
we'll do? 

LORD POVERTY. 

Yes, you told me — of course. [To GOWER.] 
Both countries are going down to Venezuela 
and knock the tar — [To RUSHFOOT.] Did 
Cleveland say tar? [RUSHFOOT nods assent. 
knock the tar out of the beggars. 

EUSHFOOT. 
[To GOWER.] Sure! That's right! 

LDRD POVERTY. 
England is to take one half of the country — 



80 LORD POVERTY'S ASSETS. 

RUSHFOOT. 
And Uncle Sam what's left. 

LORD POVERTY. 

Yes — of course. Carve the damn country 
in two — Why not? [Noise without.} 

MR. MABY. 

[Going to window ^\ Another commotion! 
what does it all mean? 

HELEN. 
[Rushing to the window^ Its a parade! 

MR. MABY. 

Of the Arbitration League. [Cheers for MABY 
and ARBITRATION arc heard from the street.} 

EUSHFOOT. 

[11 ho has joined HELEN.] They see you 
George ! They see you ! [Enters OLD MABY excited^ 

OLD MABY. 

The Arbitration League is marching on Devon 
House. 






LORD POVERTY'S ASSETS. 81 

HELEN. 

They've stopped ! Signior Sirao is talking 
with their leader. 

RUSHFOOT. 
He's asking them in. [Music— "RULE BRITANNIA." 

OLD MABY. 

[Wildly.] The fight is on! Hawkins wont be 
in it, this time ! [Enter members of the parade, 
bearing large transparency. They crowd about 
the left entrance. The leader advances, and boivs 
to MR. MABY. On the transparency is a repre- 
sentation of JOHN BULL, stepping from a boat 
to shore. UNCLE SAM receiving him, with open 
arms, and broad smile.'] 

RUSHFOOT. 

[Pointing to transparency.] That's right! Dear 
old Bull should know more of us; he'd be 
wiser. 

OLD MABY- 

That's what arbitration means! [Transparency 



82 LORD POVERTY'S ASSETS. 

is turned. UNCLE SAM is seen, standing in a 
boat, that's just touching the shores of England. 
JOHN BULL, on land, waiting to receive him. 
Surrounding the latter, are a number of dukes, 
and lords with coronets, on their heads, and 
wearing other insignia of exalted rank. In 
the boat with UNCLE SAM are numberless young 
and old women holding bags of money in their 
hands, all anxious to get asJwre. One fat widow 
is jumping into the water. Music from outer 
hall— "YANKEE DOODLE".] 

RUSHFOOT. 

[To LORD POVERTY.] My dear boy! That's 
the favorite tune of the "Goddess of Liberty", 
In my country, those strains elevate the spirits, 
of the rich, and poor, high and low, to the same 
exalted summit of human merriment. 

OLD MABY- 

[Looking at transparency.} There's more ar- 
bitration. [Laughs. Transparency is turned ' 
UNCLE SAM and JOHN BULL, arm in arm, hats on 
back of their heads, doing the town. Music — 
"WE WONT GO HOME" until morning^ 



LORD POVERTY'S ASSETS. 83 

[Looking at transparency. No wonder! The 
dear old boys are only celebrating their reunion. 
Oh — those two Georges ! 

LEADER. 

[Boning and advancing. To MR. MABY.] The 
decision of the general and local committees has 
so aroused myself, and other members of the 
International Arbitration League, that we've 
hastened, with scant preparation, to pledge to 
you our support in the coming election for Par- 
liament. [Boivs and steps back.'] 

MR. MABY. 

[Bowing.] 'Gentlemen, I thank you for these 
evidences of friendship. [Boivs .] 

VOICE. 
Three cheers for Maby! [Cheers.] 

MR. MABY. 
Gentlemen, I have chosen Lord Poverty and 



84 LORD POVERTY'S ASSETS. 

Mr. Rushfoot, two members of you league, to 
conduct my campaign. [Bows.] 

VOICE. 
Lord Poverty! Speech! Speech! 

VOICE. 

Speech! Speech! [RUSHFOOT and OLD MABY 
force LORD POVERTY upon a chair. PARADERS 
crowd around entrance^ 

LORD POVERTY. 

Gentlemen. [Boiving.~\ To be sure — send 
Maby away to Parliament — to get arbitration 
with the States. Why not? The Yankee and 
the Britisher have been handed down in natural 
order — from the same mothers. Why not? 
We've the same tongue — of course ; but we 
wag it away at each other, too much. We 
must arbitrate, not fight. Whats the use of 
relations, shooting, jabbing and yelling away at 
each other like madmen — there's no sense in 
it. I'm through, why not? [Bowing ^] 



LORD POVEERTY'S ASSTS. 85 

RUSHFOOT. 

Three cheers for the best lord in Burks Peerage! 
Lord Courtland Poverty! [Cheers - Music "HE'S 
A JOLLY GOOD FELLOW". Paraders retiring — 
LORD POVERTY remains on chair, waving hand- 
kerchief. RUSHFOOT, bowing with sweeping gest- 
ures, as the curtain falls.] 



END OF THE FIRST ACT. 



THE SECOND ACT. 

One week has elapsed between the first and second act. 

The Scene is the large foyer hall of DEVON 
House, Dorchester Oaks, residence of 
Mr. George Ma by. At the back, and 
between the right, and left entrances are tzvo 
wide stair cases, ascending in segmental curves 
to a square landing, eight feet from the floor. 
The stairs and landing have heavy carved 
balustrades, Between the stairs is a curved 
recess, in which rests, on a large easel, 
"Van Elfin's Peace' 1 . The painting stands 
perpendicularly. The top of the gilt frame 
is held by wooden cross piece, to prevent it 
from falling forward. Attached to the easel, 
is a frame, elevated above the painting, and 
zvith cross bar, upon which are gas jets, with 
reflectors, to illuminate the canvas, as in 



LORD POVEERTY'S ASSTS. 87 

the first act. The left entrance leads into 
interior hall, with door leading, it's supposed, 
to main front vestibule hall. The right en- 
trance leads into another interior hall, with 
door leading, its supposed, to rear, main 
entrance of house. On the left is a library 
zvith arched pillared entrance. Immediately 
opposite the library on the right is the drawing 
room, with entrance same as library. Tele- 
phone on the wall. 

Old Maby is ivalking up and down the stage. 
Go WER is awaiting the arrival of MR. GEORGE 
Maby. Jack is reading bulletins, that are 
brouglit by MESSENGER, from the library. 
HELEN, in street costume, stands to the right 
near JACK, hearing the latest election news, 
and now and then, signaling to him her con- 
tempt for Go wer. Taylor and Sally are 
busy clearing away electioneering literature 
etc. etc. The whole Scene bespeaks bustle and 
excitement. 

OLD MABY- 

\To JACK, who has just finished reading 
bulletin^ Read that again, young man! 



88 LORD POVERTY'S ASSETS. 

JACK. 

[Reads.] "A heavy vote has been cast 
throughout the borough. Hawkins predicts his 
own election, by a majority of from one hun- 
dred and fifty to two hundred." 

OLD MABY- 

Hawkins predicts! [Scornfully.] The assump- 
tive ass! [Looking at GOWER.] Eh? [Enters 
MESSENGER from library with bulletin ; hands 
it to JACK. MESSENGER retires^ 

JACK. 

Another bulletin! [Reads.] "Tis said that 
the Gover faction [GOWER looks difantly.] are 
holding off. A tally of the votes cast up to 
this writing, gives Hawkins a majority of 
seventy five. 

GOWER. 

Gower faction! [Snappishly.] I don't control 
any bodys vote, but my own. [Aside.] Except 
forty five. [To OLD MABY with affected dignity^ 
I have called sir, to see Mr. George Maby. 



LORD POVERTY'S ASSETS. 89 

OLD MABY- 

[Aside.] If he wasn't in this house. [To 
GOWER.] He may be here in one minute, sir, 
or not for an hour, sir — an hour, sir. [Enters 
MESSENGER; hands Jack bulletin. MESSENGER 
retires^] 

JACK. 

[Reads.] "Tis said that Maby will lose fifty 
votes on account of the meet. The hunt is the 
largest of the season." 

OLD MABY- 
[Violently kicking a chair, ] Damn the hunt! 

HELEN. 

[Indignantly.] The idea! Hunt today! [Kicks 
chair, hurts her foot. JACK turns around, and 
laughs, to himself, at HELEN'S mishap. HELEN 
scowls at JACK. Enters MESSENGER. MESSENGER 
retires^] 

JACK. 
[Continuing to read. HELEN nurses her injured 
foot.] "Five members of the Gower faction 



90 LORD POVERTY'S ASSETS. 

openly avow their intentions of voting for Haw- 
kins, as a rebuke to the audacious intermeddling 
in English politics, of the Devon House Yankees, 
so called." 

OLD MABY. 

[To SALLY.] Here you new girl, where is 
Mrs. Maby? 

SALLY 

Hout sir. 

OLD MABY 

[To TAYLOR.] Where is Mr. Rushfoot? 

TAYLOR. 

'E went to the polls with 'is lordship, sir. 

OLD MABY- 

[Petulantly.'] Every one out! [Goes to left 
entrance?^ Devon House Yankees! [TAYLOR and 
SALLY retire, carrying bundless of electioneering 
literature. OLD MABY looks at GOWER and then 
at JACK. Approaches latter. To JACK.] You're 
the art chap. 



LORD POVERTY'S ASSETS. 91 

JACK. 

Yes sir. 

OLD MABY- 

A Yankee? 

JACK. 

Yes sir. 

OLD MABY- 

Devon House is yours! [To HELEN.] Make 
it pleasant for this young man. 

HELEN. 
[Suppressing a smile.] I shall try. 

JACK. 

[jo OLD MABY.] Thank you! [To HELEN.] 
Miss Rushfoot, you are very kind. [Bowing.] 

OLD MABY- 

[Goes to left entranced] Devon House Yankees ! 
[Looks at GOWER exit] 

GOWER. 
[Looking after OLD MABY.] Eh? [Laughs, 



92 LORD POVERTY'S ASSETS. 

Takes out his watch!] The old gentlemen is 
excited . 

JACK. 
[To HELEN.] Let's guy the duffer. 

HELEN. 
Yes. I despise him! 

GOWER. 

\Approaching JACK in a patronizing manner!\ 
Have you been long in England, young man? 

JACK. 
Ten days. 

GOWER. 
In London? 

JACK. 

Eight days. 

GOWER. 
You've seen the Tower? 

JACK. 

The Eiffle Tower? 



LORD POVERTY'S ASSETS. 93 

GOWER. 

No? the London Tower, 

JACK. 

Is that in England? 

GOWER. 

Where else could it be ! You've seen West- 
minster? 

JACK. 

Westminster? Westminster? 

GOWER. 

The Abbey? 

JACK. 

Oh yes! that big church on the banks of 

the [To HELEN 1 ] Do you know Miss 

Rushfoot, that I can never think of the name 
of that river? 

GOWER. 

The Thames — the Thames. [With a crush- 
ing look.] Havn't you ever studied geography? 



94 LORD POVERTY'S ASSETS. 

JACK. 

I'm an authority in my country, on geo- 
grayhical matters. 

V 

GOWER. 
You've studied English geography, havn't you ? 

JACK. 

[Reflecting] Really, I've forgotten. [To HELEN.] 
Did you, Miss Rushfoot? 

HELEN. 

Why yes, Mr. Randolpf. Don't you remember? 
— England comes in among the islands. 

JACK. 

So it does! [Repeating] Iceland, Madigascar, 
Ireland — 

HELEN. 
[Interrupting] Long Island — 

JACK. 
And then England. 



LORD POVkkfY^S ASSETS. 95 

HELEN. 
No, no! Staten Island comes next! 

JACK. 
Oh yes ! Staten Island — Fire Island — 

HELEN. 

Coney Island — 

JACK. 

And then England. That's it! {Looking at 
GOWER.] 

GOWER. 

[In a rage,] Such ignorance! The idea! Bah! 
[Rushes off stage.] 

JACK. 

[Looking after GOWER.] Ha — ha — ha, his 
heart is broken. [Enters MESSENGER with 
bulletin. JACK looks at it and puts it on table, 
MESSENGER retires^ 

HELEN. 
[Laughing.] Wasn't it fun! 



% LORD POVERTY'S ASSETS. 

JACK. 

[Takes a seat, catches HELEN'S hands, who stands 
back of his chair J Entertain me. ]Trying gently 
to pull her head doivn to kiss her.] 

HELEN. 

[With mock dignity.] I fear — dear sir — 
I cant. 

JACK. 

[Baffled in his efforts to kiss her.] I'm sur- 
prised that you should throw away, an 
opportunity so auspicious. [Closing his eyes 
and affecting to sleepy 

HELEN. 
To entertain an art critic, is no trifling task. 

JACK. 

[Jumping up.] Stop! stop! it's annoying. 
[Affecting to be hurt, then kisses her.] 

HELEN. 

[Without moving, and closing her eyes for a 
moment to give JACK another chance.] You are, 



LORD POVERTY'S ASSETS. 97 

I assume quite familiar with the works of the 
great Van Elfin. [Imitating MR. MABY.] 

JACK. 

Stop, stop! 

HELEN. 

- [Imitating JACK.] "Water color"! 

JACK. 

Now Helen! — But I'm ready for the next 
ordeal. I sat up all night, writing out speeches 
on art. [Shows HELEN writing on his cuffs.'] 

HELEN. 

[Paying no attention to what JACK says and 
pointing.] "The tints from the reflected 
waters are" — [Imitating JACK.] 

JACK. 

[Approaching HELEN.] Are not half as 
beautiful as the tints on your cheeks. [Kisses her.] 

HELEN. 

Now Jack, you stop ! [Pouting.] I'll remember 
that. 



98 LORD POVERTY'S ASSETS. 

JACK. 

Remember it! I should say so! I'm four 
ahead of you now. 

HELEN. 

You're not! 

JACK. 
I am ! [Holding up four finger x] 

HELEN. 
Only three. {Holding up three fingers?^ 

JACK. 
Four ! 

HELEN. 
Three! {Enters SALLY. [ 

SALLY 

Madame 'as just returned; she wants your 
field glasses' hif you please. 

HELEN. 
Where is Mrs. Maby? 



LORD POVERTY'S ASSETS. 99 

SALLY 
Going hup hinto the Cupola. 

HELEN. 

Cupola? 

SALLY 

Yes Miss 'Elen, to watch the 'ounds. The 
fox his haleading them, back hof the horchard 
beyond the 'ill. [HELEN hurries to left entrance, 
is about to retire^ 

JACK. 

Helen! 

HELEN. 

What is it? 

JACK. 

Hurry back and pay your debts. 

HELEN. 
You awful boy! [Exit HELEN.] 

JACK. 

[Looking after HELEN.] She's the finest girl 
in this world. [Enters OLD MABY.] 



100 LORD POVERTY'S ASSETS. 

OLD MABY- 

[Looking about. \ Gower gone? 
JACK. 

Yes sir. 

OLD MABY- 

"Good riddance bad rubbish!" 

JACK. 
Mr. Maby, who are the Gower people? 

OLD MABY. 

[With emphasis. .] Cringing, beggarly wretches, 
whose business is at the mercy of the usurious 
and exacting old tyrant. 

JACK. 

[Taking last bulletin from tabled This last 
bulletin prompted the inquiry. [Reads. "The 
Gower faction have not yet voted. Their 
action is not understood." 

OLD MABY. 
[Inquiringly.] What are they waiting for? 



LORD POVERTY'S ASSETS. 101 

JACK. 

They're fishing. 

OLD iMABY. 



Fishing? 
Yes. 



JACK. 



OLD MABY, 
For what? 

JACK. 
For soap, — money. 

OLD MABY. 

[Looking at JACK.] That's it! [After reflection, 
to himself.] Where in the devil is George? 
[Hurries to left entrance, stands, looks at JACK.] 
He has wisdom beyond his years. [JACK pulls 
out a segar and looks at it.\ "Fishing for soap." 
[Returns. — lakes JACK by the arm.~] Do you 
smoke ? 

JACK. 
Too much — I fear. 



102 LORD POVERTY'S ASSETS. 

OLD MABY. 

Come! join me in a segar. 

JACK. 
Thank you! I'm good for three. 

OLD MABY. 

[Looking at JACK.] Fishing for soap. [Laughs 
and then becomes serious.] They dont do that 
sort of thing in England. 

JACK. 

Certainly not! Of course not — not in 
England. 

OLD MABY. 

[Looking at JACK.] Only in America. [Laughs. 
Exeunt OLD MABY and JACK. Loud happy peals 
of laughter heard in the vestibule hall. Enter 
HELEN and MISS EFFIE REVERE, the latter still 
laughing, HELEN smiling^ 

HELEN. 
What did Lord Poverty say? 



LORD POVERTY'S ASSETS. 103 

EFFIE. 

[A beautiful young woman, about nineteen. 
Richly, though modestly dressed. Dark brown 
hair, large eyes, and gentle manner. Has a 
confiding disposition, liappy nature and given to 
paroxysms of laughter.} Oh dear! [Laughs.] 
I begin to think, that Lord Poverty has got a 
heart ! [Laughs.] 

HELEN. 

[Smiling.] How I like to hear you laugh! 

EFFIE. 

Really? I'm ashamed of myself, but I can't 
help it. It was so funny. Didn't you hear, 
what he asked me? 

HELEN. 

No. I saw you coming from the window 
just as I was sending Salty to the cupola. I 
didn't reach the walk in time. 

EFFIE. 

As the groom was leading his horse away, I 



104 LORD POVERTY'S ASSETS. 

remarked that it was chilly. Lord Poverty 
looked at me, [Laughing^] scrutinized my dress 
and then asked, if I had plenty of jackets 
[Laughs, HELEN joins her.'] and — and strong — 
[Laughs.] strong clothes under my gown. 

HELEN. 
Plenty of jackets? [Laughs.] 

EFFIE. 

Strong clothes! [Laughs.] Oh, so funny! 

HELEN. 

He calls you Maloney, doesn't he? 

EFFIE. 

Yes. [Laughing.] Thats funny too. Last 
summer, the day I graduated, his lordship, sent 
me a box of flowers, directing it to Miss Effie 
Lillian Maloney Revere. How the girls did 
laugh ! 

HELEN. 

Isn't that one of your names? 



LORD POVERTY'S ASSETS. 105 

EFFIE. 

[Laughing^ No! not Maloney — Malomey. 
After my return from school, he met me one 
afternoon near the chapel and said. "By the way, 
Maloney, don't you find it awkward knocking 
about without a brother?" [Laughs.'] Knocking 
about! I told him that I often wished I could 
recall my brother from above. "He'd never 
forgive you." he replied. "Up there, he's got 
nothing to do, but to see God and fly around; 
down here, he'd have to commence dodging 
the brimstone chap, all over again." Since that 
day, [Sorrowfully^ I have never wished to 
recall my brother from Heaven. A rugged 
sermon! — I mustn't think. Well! Finally, on 
leaving me, he said. "Maloney I'll keep a 
brother's eye on you." You see, I'm not quite 
alone in the world. 

HELEN. 

Do you think it's nice to have a brother? I 
don't mean a real brother — one that tells you 
to shut up, and things like that, but a brother 
that isn't a brother — the kind that falls in 
love with you. 



106 LORD POVERTY'S ASSETS. 

EFFIE. 

I'm not sure that I do. 

HELEN. 

Jack commenced with me that way. 

EFFIE. 

He did? 

HELEN. 

Yes — but the brother business didn't last 
three days. Your's has lasted longer, hasn't it? 

EFFIE. 

Laughing.'] Yes — five months. 

HELEN. 

That's too long. Why! I would have died 
if Jack had kept up that nonsense a day longer 

EFFIE. 
You're in love. [Looking at HELEN.] 

HELEN. 

And so are — 



LORD POVERTY'S ASSETS. 107 

EFFIE. 

No. I think not, I don't know — [Shaking 
her head^\ 

HELEN. 
You ought to be, it's so nice. 

EFFIE. 

\Langhing\ I never expect to be. 

HELEN. 
{Sorrowfully^ Poor girl. 

EFFIE. 

Do you pity me? 

HELEN. 

Do fall in love, please ! We'll just own this 
town. 

EFFIE. 

[Laughing^ With whom? 

HELEN. 

Lord Poverty, of course! 



108 LORD POVERTY'S ASSETS. 

EFFIE. 

[Seriously.] I don't dare to; I never met him 
until last summer. 

HELEN. 

That don't count. I fell in love with Jack 
the very first time I saw him. 

EFFIE. 

He is absolutely without sentiment. [Looks 
at HELEN.] Why ! here I am telling you — 

HELEN. 

[Interrupting.] I know everything. 

EFFIE 

[Surprised] Who told you? 

HELEN. 

Loid Poverty. 

EFFIE. 

[Laughing^] He says, he loves me, — 
[Seriously^ but he doesn't know the meaning 
of the word. 



LORD POVERTY'S ASSETS. 109 

HELEN. 

He hasn't much sentiment, I admit; but you 
might rouse him — 

EFFIE. 

As Lord Poverty has made a confidante of you, 
I'll do the same. [Earnestly.] I wouldn't 
promise to become his wife, if he had the senti- 
ment of a poet. 

HELEN. 

I'm so sorry! A pretty girl like you ought 
to be in love anyway. I'd go mad, if I didn't 
love Jack. 

EFFIE. 
You dear child! 

HELEN. 

[Sighing.'] It takes all kinds of people to 
make a world. 

EFFIE. 

[Putting her arms around HELEN.] Am I so 
very odd? 



110 LORD POVERTY'S ASSETS. 

HELEN. 

[Nods.] Yes — throwing away a good thing 

— that's what Jack calls it. 

EFFIE. 

[Looking at HELEN. Seriously^ Let me tell 
you a story. A tiny girl; an orphan, scarcely 
ten, lived in Colorado with her brother, twelve 
years older. Then he was called. Without 
relatives to care for her she would have — well 

— died, I suppose; but for a young English- 
man, her brother's friend. He caused her to 
be sent to England, cared for — and educated. 

HELEN. 

[Seriously.] The little girl wasn't you, was 
it, Effie? 

EFFIE. 

Yes. 

HELEN. 

How noble of him. [Earnestly^ What is 

his name? 

EFFIE. 

Bruce Buckingham. 



LORD POVERTY'S ASSETS. Ill 

HELEN. 
Oh, I want to meet him! 

EFFIE. 

I have seen him but twice, and that was in 
Colorado. 



\\ nere is he' 



In India. 



HELEN. 



EFFIE. 



HELEN. 



Is he nice looking? 



EFFIE. 
I scarcely remember. 



HELEN. 
You've got his photograph? 

EFFIE. 

No. I never heard from him directly until 
my eighteenth year. Then I got my first letter; 
I answered it in a flood of tears, and sent him 
my photograph. Then came another letter from 



112 LORD POVERTY'S ASSETS. 

India, and another, and they continued to come 
until eleven months ago. In his last letter, he 
asked me not to marry, or promise to marry 
without his consent. Could you, under these 
circumstances, give your heart to the first man 
who asked it? 

HELEN. 

If the first man was Jack, I would. Where 
is Mr. Buckingham now? 

EFFIE. 

Somewhere in India. He said, in his last 

letter, that I wouldn't hear from him for a 

year or more. 

HELEN. 

Was he fond of your brother? 

EFFIE. 

Very. The first time my brother met him 
was in Selida. Some cow-boys had insulted 
him. My brother seeing that he was a stranger 
took sides with him ; revolvers were drawn and 
some one would have been killed, had they 
persisted in their insults. [Enters TAYLOR.] 



LORD POVERTY'S ASSETS. 113 

TAYLOR. 

[Excited.] Hif you please, Miss Helen, the 
'unt his hover, the 'ounds, hand whips his 
returning to the kennels. 

HELEN. 

[lo EFFIE.] My! Let us go up in the Cupola, 
to make sure. It will be fun. 

EFFIE. 

Yes, splendid ! [Exeunt HELEN and EFFIE. 
TAYLOR retires. Enter MRS. SMILE and MRS. MABY.] 

MRS. MABY. 

I am glad to see you, Lizzie. 

MRS. SMILE. 

How stupid it was of Mr. Smile to have 
appointed a meet for today. 

MRS. MABY. 
Scold him, for me. 



114 LORD POVERTY* S ASSETS. 

MRS. SMILE. 

You'll be glad when the election is over, 
especially the celebration. 

MRS. MABY. 

Yes — especially the latter. 

MRS. SMILE. 

I trust nothing will happen. 

MRS. MABY. 
It would kill me. 

MRS. SMILE. 
You are awfully sensitive, I know. 

MRS. MABY. 

So far we've been fortunate — except one 
thing, Signior Sirao left yesterday for Italy. 

MRS. SMILE. 

[Surprised.] Signior Sirao gone? 

MRS. MABY. 
Paintings and all. 



LORD POVERTY'S ASSETS. 115 

MRS. SMILE. 
How unfortunate! 

MRS. MABY. 

He took offence, we fancy, because our 
painting was taken here without consulting him. 
In fact without his knowledge. 

MRS. SMILE. 
Who's to hang the — 

MRS. MABY. 

[Interrupting] I thought of asking Mr. Ran- 
dolph, to direct the hanging. 

MRS. SMILE. 
The art critic? 

MRS. MABY. 

Yes. [Enters JACK ivith note book i?i hand, on 
seeing the ladies he bows and attempts to retire.] 

MRS. MABY. 

Mr. Randolph, I was about saying, that we 
venture to hope for a suggestion from you, 



116 LORD POVERTY'S ASSETS. 

when we hang our painting at the League 
Headquarters. 

JACK. 

Command me, madame. 

MRS. SMILE. 

[To MRS. maby.] Isn't it very nice of Mr. 
Randolph. [Enters HELEN and EFFIE.] 

HELEN. 
[To EFFIE.] Let us wait. I'm awfully nervous. 

MRS. MABY. 

Rely upon it Mr. Randolph, [Laugking.] we 
shall press your talents into service. [JACK bows.'] 

HELEN. 

[To EFFIE.] Isn't he graceful, and how hand- 
some! I wish Jack had assumed some other 
role — I'm afraid. 

JACK. 

[To MRS. MABY.] You admire the sublimities 
of the canvas, madame. 



LORD POVERTY'S ASSETS. 117 

MRS. MABY. 

Yes — yet I fear, that one like yourself, 
skilled in the beauties and subtile refinements of 
high art, will marvel, when I confess, that 
though passionately fond of the masters, I can't 
tell why. 

JACK. 

The masters painted up — [Looking at his 
cuff.'] painted up — 

HELEN. 
[Alarmed.'] Any other role! [To herself.] 

JACK. 

Not only to meet the severe exactions of the 
connoisseur, but [Looking at cuff.] down again, 
to accommodate the artistic incapacities of a 
lady like — yourself — I mean — ■ 

MRS. MABY. 

[Laughing.] Like me. But how I admire Ruben ! 

HELEN. 
[To EFFlE.] That was great, but awfully 



118 LORD POVERTY'S ASSETS. 

impudent. My! [Puts her hands to her mouth to 
stifle her merriment^ 

JACK. 

[Rests right elbow on chair, the cuff of other 
arm exposed. Affects a dreamy faraway look.] 
Rubens! Rubens! Look upon a Ruben the 
canvas vanishes, you behold instead, but an 
opening in the mighty gate, that swings in the 
portals of the past. Through the forbidden 
entrance, the living catch glimpses of men and 
women, things and affairs, that the hand of 
Ruben has rescued from the shades of the 
forgotten. The works of the masters, are but 
living fragments of the dead past. 



T3qo i i4"i fi 1 1 f 


MRS. MABY 


rseauiiiui i 


MRS. SMILE 


Grand! 





HELEN. 

[Astonished.] Who told Jack that? [Enters 
OLD MABY.l 



LORD POVERTY'S ASSETS. 119 

OLD MABY. 

[Excited.] Where in the — [Seeing the ladies.] 
on earth, is George? 

MRS. MABY. 

[To OLD maby.] I got this letter from him 
half an hour ago. 

OLD MABY. 

[Reads.] "Things are looking nasty in Chapel 
Parish. Send by bearer, package in upper right 
hand drawer of safe." [Looking at MRS. MABY.] 
That was soap. Did you send it? 

MRS. MABY- 

Soap? 

OLD MABY. 

Yes, soap. [Points to letter and reads.] "Things 
are looking nasty in Chapel Parish." Don't you 
see? [Confidentially^ He wanted soap to wash 
the dirty consciences of the Gower gang. 

MRS. MABY. 

It was his check book on the London Bank. 



120 LORD POVERTY'S ASSETS. 

OLD MABY. 

[Laughing and looking at MRS. MABY.] That 
wasn't soap! Oh no! 'twas sopolio. [Laughs.] 
The scoundrels! [MRS. MABY joins MRS. SMILE 
and both retire to the drawing room Enters 
MESSENGER with bulletin.} 

OLD MABY. 

[Approaching JACK.] What is it? [MESSENGER 

retires.] 

JACK. 

[Reads.] "Having received pledges from the 
liberal candidate, that he would support the 
'One Man, One Vote' bill, the Gower faction 
have voted for Maby to a man." 

OLD MABY- 

[Looking at JACK.] Young man, 'twas 
pledges, not soap they wanted. [JACK looks 
at OLD MABY with a droll smile.} He doesn't 
belive it — he knows too much. [To himself.] 

MRS. MABY. 

[To OLD MABY from drawing room entrance.] 
Then George will win! 



LORD POVERTY'S ASSETS. 121 

OLD MABY. 

Win — , yes. 

HELEN. 

[To EFFIE.] I'sn't that glorious! [Enters 
MESSENGER with bulletin. MESSENGER retires^ 

JACK. 

[Reads.] "It is admitted by all, that the 
election turns upon the vote of Chapel Parish. 
The situation there is alarming. Fifty seven 
liberal members are at the hunt. Rushfoot was 
last seen, riding in the direction of the run." 

HELEN. 
But the hunt is over! [Telephone rings.] 

OLD MABY- 

[Going to telephone.] Well? [Listens repeats.] 
"Rushfoot is now heading the recreant liberals 
to the polls." Good! [Hangs phone.] Where is 
Hawkins now? Hurrah — ! 

HELEN. 
Hurrah! Our side wins! [Enters TAYLOR.] 



122 LORD POVERTY'S ASSETS. 

TAYLOR. 

[To OLD maby.] Ha foreign looking chap sir, 
'as been loitering habout the hentrance of the 
garden, hall day sir. 

OLD MABY- 

What does he want? 

TAYLOR. 

'E wants nothing that Hi know hof sir, 'E's 
been achasing hof the Italian boy, sir. 

MRS. MABY. 
[From drawing room entrance^ Maxey here? 

TAYLOR. 

Yes marm. E's been loitering habout habit 
too, marm. 

OLD MABY- 

Drive them away! 

MRS. MABY. 
[Entering from drawing room. To OLD MABY] 



LORD POVERTY'S ASSETS. 123 

Let me attend to the matter. [To MRS. SMILE.] 
I'll have to leave you for a moment. [To 
TAYLOR.] Find Maxey. [TAYLOR retires.] The boy 
left! I don't understand it! [Exit MRS. MABY.] 

OLD MABY- 

[Annoyed.] Some mendicant. [Exit OLD MABY.] 

HELEN. 

[Who has been talking to JACK and EFFIE. 
To EFFIE.] Wouldn't you like to? 

EFFIE. 

If it isn't too dark, your lawn is so beautiful. 

1 HELEN. 

[To JACK.] Come, Mr. Randolph, we're going 
on the lawn. Mrs. Smile will excuse us. 

MRS. SMILE. 
Certainly. [Exeunt HELEN, JACK and EFFIE.] 

MRS. SMILE. 
[Looking about lier ivith gleaming eyes.] 



124 LORD POVERTY'S ASSETS. 

Signor Sirao gone! What a sensation. This 
will be the story. [Laughs.'] "To humor a 
Yankee wife, who longed to breath the air of 
a higher social altitude, an Englishman pays ten 
thousand pounds for a piece of counterfeit art; 
and to seek royal favor, presents his vulgar 
purchase to a society of sentimentalists, suffering 
from yankeesmite. His Royal Highness, the 
Prince of Wales, is asked to honor the occasion 
by making the presentation speech." It's nause- 
ating — [Laughs.] the explosion that will follow, 
will rouse such a whirl-wind of indignation 
throughout England, that the Maby's will be 
blown into the very crevices of social obscurity. 
[Looking about her again.'] Maby may win in 
spite of the hunt — no matter. The greater 
the height, the greater the fall. [Reflecting.] 
I don't like this Maxey business; they musn't 
know the truth, it would spoil my game. I will 
find him myself. [Exit MRS. SMILE. Enter 
HELEN and JACK.] 

HELEN. 

I didn't know it was so dark. Why don't 
Effle come? 



LORD POVERTY'S ASSETS. 125 

JACK. 

{Dropping in chair. \ She stopped to talk 
with Lord Poverty. 

HELEN. 

[Standing behind JACK and putting her arms 
on his shoulders.'] Jack, I'm proud of you. Oh, 
how I long for a swing! 

JACK. 
Swing? 

HELEN. 

Yes — on the "gate that swings in the portals 
the past." [Laugh. JACK kisses HELEN'S hand. 
She slaps him gently on the cheeky 

JACK. 
That's no love pat. 

HELEN. 
Then stop! 

JACK. 

I was only making it six. 



126 LORD POVERTY'S ASSETS. 

HELEN. 

[Looking about] I don't want five. [BENSON 
appears. HELEN kisses him.'] Take it back, [Sees 
BENSON.] Oh! {Rolling up her eves.] As I was 
saying, dear cousin. 

JACK. 

Don't cousin me. [HELEN trys to attract 
JACK'S attention, to BENSON, but failing she puts 
her hand over his mouth] 

HELEN. 
[To JACK.] Benson! 

JACK. 

The cat! [JACK turns his head sees BENSON, 
jumps up] Pardon me. [Bowing] 

HELEN. 

{Looking at BENSON.] Oh. I'm so pleased to 
see you. \ Enters POVERTY, BENSON seaches in 
her pocket for letter. POVERTY stands with hand 
extended to receive it] 



LORD POVEERTY'S ASSTS. 127 

HELEN. 

[Remembering her promised] Go Jack, into 
the drawing room, quick! [Laughing^] Don't 
remain here. [Takes him by the armi\ Go. "Her 
Last Dupe" is a splendid picture. Look at it! 

JACK. 
[Goes reluctantly.] This is nice! 

HELEN. 

[Goes to POVERTY.] Courtland dear! [Kisses 
him.] 

JACK. 

[Standing in entrance of drawing room.] 
Courtland dear! [Reenters hall, takes his hat 
from table, rushes toward right entranced] "Her 
Last Dupe." [Exit jack.] 

HELEN. 
Jack, Jack, come back! [Laughing. Exit HELEN.] 

POVERTY. 

Of course. [Takes letter from BENSON.] This 
is for — 



128 LORD POVERTY'S ASSETS. 

BENSON. 

Your lordship. [BOWING. Goes to left entrance. 
Bows again. Exit BENSON.] 

POVERTY. 

[Looking at left entrance at though expecting 
some one.] I told her to come in out of the 
dampness. {Enters EFFIE.] 

EFFIE. 
Where did Helen go? 

POVERTY. 
After the critic. 

EFFIE. 
Oh yes, Mr. Randolph. 

POVERTY. 
The grass is full of water. 

EFFIE. 

It isn't damp, but its dark. [Looking at her 
shoes.! 



LOkD POVERTY'S ASSETS. 129 

POVERTY. 

You've got a fine look on today. Maloney. 

EFFIE. 
[Smiling.] Thank you ; how is your Lordship ? 

POVERTY. 

A bit sentimental. 

EFFIE. 

Sentimental ! 

POVERTY. 

I think so — I'm not sure. 

EFFIE. 
You ! [Laughs.] 

POVERTY. 

Why not? By the way, do you remember 
that bit of rhyming stuff, about a chap that 
went growling about, longing to meet another 
life? 

EFFIE. 

Another life? 



130 LORD POVERTY'S ASSETS. 

POVERTY, 

Another girl — no — not another one, but the 
right one. 

EFFIE. 

{Inquiring ly'.\ "There's another life I long 
to meet?" 



POVERTY. 



That's it. 



EFFIE. 

"There's another life I long to meet. Without 
which life, my life incomplete." 

POVERTY. 

Clever, very clever. I've been rapping the 
thing about on me tongue's end all day, but 
when I saw you I forgot it. What became of the 
wretch ? Did he ever overtake her ? [Looking at 
EFFIE.] Of course— to be sure. 

EFFIE. 
Perhaps. 

POVERTY. 
"Without which life, my life is incomplete." 



LORD POIKRTY'S ASSETS. 131 

[Approaching EFFIE.] I know a chap, a good 
enough chap too, who wants to take your life. 

EFFIE. 

Mine? 

POVERTY. 

And fill it with nonsense, and flowers and 
bonnets, and a horse or two. He hasn't money, 
but I think he can throw in the horses. 

EFFIE. 

Your friend ought not to marry without money. 

POVERTY. 
Why not? 

EFFIE. 

The responsibilities following marriage — 

POVERTY. 
[Looking at EFFIE.] The responsibilities? 

EFFIE. 

Yes. 



132 LORD POVERTY'S ASSETS. 

POVERTY. 

Oh them things — they'll be provided for. 
The young Poyertys always start rich. You 
see, I'm the chap I'm talking about. 

EFFIE. 

You ! [Laughing ^\ 

POVERTY. 
Why not? 

EFFIE. 
You'll have plenty of money some day. 

POVERTY. 
I'm going to let the two thousand a year go. 

EFFIE. 

I dont understand you ? 

POVERTY. 

You see, me aunt is to leave me two thousand 
a year, provided I marry money. I'm against 
marrying the stuff. I want you. 



LORD POVERTY'S ASSETS. 133 

EFFIE. 
\ Laughing.] Do you really care for me? 

POVERTY. 

Why not? 

EFFIE. 

[Seriously^ You only think so. 

POVERTY. 
I'm a bad hand at this business. 

EFFIE. 

[To herself.] Really, he loves me. [To POVERTY.] 
Don't, don't imperil your future on my account. 
Make no sacrifice for me, I'm not worthy of it. 

POVERTY. 

You see, Maloney, I'm tired of tricking me 
aunt. [Enters OLD MABY from right entrance 
excited^ 

OLD MABY- 

[To POVERTY.] You speak Italian? 



134 LORD POVERTY'S ASSETS. 

POVERTY. 

Why not? 

OLD MABY- 

Come with me! 

POVERTY. 

Of course. 

OLD MABY- 

The Italian tramp and the boy Maxey are 
raising the devil ! [Goes to right entrance. Exeunt 
POVERTY and OLD MABY.] 

EFFIE. 
Poor Lord Poverty. Oh dear! {Enters SALLY.] 

SALLY 

Madame wants to 'ave you join 'er, hin the 
music roorrij hif you please. 

EFFIE. 

Right away. {Exit EFFIE. SALLY retires. Enter 
MR. and MRS. SMILE.] 



LORD POVERTY'S ASSETS. 135 

MRS. SMILE. 
[Excited.] Well! 

MR. SMILE. 
The hunt was broken up; Rushfoot outwitted us. 

MRS. SMILE. 

How? 

MR. SMILE. 

By jove, I don't know. 

MRS. SMILE. 

Well! 

MR. SMILE. 
Don't be impatient, I will give you the facts. 

MRS. SMILE. 
That's what I want! 

MR. SMILE. 

When nearing the Monk Well, Rushfoot came 
dashing after us, at a fearful pace. He passed 
us in an instant, rushing in among the hounds. 



136 LORD POVEERTY'S ASSTS. 

I thought he would trample the bellowing brutes, 
to death. On he plunged, outstripping the 
foremost leader of the pack. When rounding 
the road, that turns to the Giant oak he fell. 
The impetus of his mad dash was so great, 
that it swung his body around the bend out of 
view. Major Bradford and I hurried to the spot, 
expecting to find him badly hurt, but there 
he was, sitting on his horse laughing. Bradford 
asked if his fall was serious, Rushfoot replied 
that he didn't fall and continued to laugh. This 
nettled Bradford, who doesn't like the Yankees, 
you know, and he retorted that the tongue of 
many a man had deceived him, but that his 
own eye sight never had. Rushfoot remarked 
with provoking coolness, that he need'nt boast 
of his sight, for he owned a mule once, that 
could outhsight him. When Bradford returned 
to the club, he wrote a letter to Rushfoot, 
demanding an apology, or satisfaction. 

MRS. SMILE. 
Is it possible? This is news indeed! 



LORD POVERTY'S ASSETS. 137 

MR. SMILE. 

It's an odd fact, that the hounds on reaching 
the spot, where Rush foot fell, lost the scent, 
and the whips called them off. 

MRS. SMILE. 

If the nineteenth passes, without more than 
one scandal, then I don't read the signs. [Enters 
HELEN, followed by MR. MABY, MRS. MABY and 
TAYLOR.] 

MRS. MABY. 
[To TAYLOR.] What's the trouble? 

TAYLOR. 

[Out of breath.'] The foreign chap caught 
Maxey and 'e beat 'im hover the 'ead marm. 

MR. MABY. 

[To TAYLOR.] The man who's been loitering 
about all day? 

TAYLOR. 

Yes sir. 'Ed 'ave killed 'im, hif hit 'adn't 
been for Mr. Randolph. [Enter JACK, POVERTY 
and OLD MABY.l 



138 LORD POVERTY'S ASSETS. 

OLD MABY- 

The boy insensible! [MRS. MABY alarmed, 
POVERTY whispers to her. They look toward 
painting?^ 

MRS. MABY. 

Impossible ! {Almost faints.'] 

MR. MABY. 
[To TAYLOR.] Who is this tramp! 

TAYLOR. 

The hartist sir. 

MRS. MABY 

Signor Sirao. 

TAYLOR. 
Yes, madame. 

MR. MABY. 

[To poverty.] What does it all mean? 

POVERTY. 
I fear you have been swindled. 



LORD POVERTY'S ASSETS. 139 

MRS. MABY. 

[Overhearing POVERTY.] Oh, Lord Poverty! 
My God! 'tis impossible. 

POVERTY. 

The boy said so, and then became umconscious. 

MRS. SMILE. 

[Aside.] This is what I feared. 

MR. MABY. 
[To TAYLOR.] Where is Sirao? 

TAYLOR. 

In the lodge. 

MR. MABY. 

[To MRS. MABY.] I'll see him. 

MRS. MABY- 

Do, do! Learn the truth! Quick or I'll go 
mad! 

MR. MABY. 

[To MRS. MABY.] This alarm of yours, to 



140 LORD POVERTY'S ASSETS. 

say the least is imprudent. [To ALL.] Accept 
my assurance that Maxey has not told the 
truth. [To MRS. MABY and POVERTY.] In the 
name of all that's prudent, prevent if possible, 
this scare from spreading beyond the limits of 
this house. [2o Ids zvife.~\ A scandal at this 
time even before we know the truth! We're 
not babies, to be frightened at the boo of a 
half crazed urchin. 

MRS. MABY. 
But George — 

MR. MABY. 

Do as I say ! Quiet your fears — follow my 
directions. [Turning and addressing all.] Come, 
join us; we've a plate for all. 

MRS. SMILE. 
Very kind of you, but — 

MR. MABY. 

[To MRS. smile.] No, buts! You must remain, 
and listen for the guns. 



Lord poverty's assets. hi 

MR. SMILE. 
Guns? 

MR. MABY. 

Yes — fired from Tower hill. One, means 
victory; two, that we've won by a majority of 
fifty or more, and three, that our plurality 
exceeds one hundred. 

MRS. SMILE. 
\To her husband.] We must certainly wait. 

HELEN. 
I wish they 'd fire them now. 

MRS. MABY. 

\With a forced laugh ^ Come! It's been a 
day of anxiety, but our victory will more than 
compensate us for all. 

MR. MABY. 

[To his wife.] I shall interview Sirao at once. 

MRS. MABY. 

Do — let me know — 



142 LORD POVERTY'S ASSETS. 

MR. MABY. 

[Interrupting •.] The truth. [Guests are about 
retiring. Noise heard in vestibule. Enters 
RUSHFOOT wearing long ulster, with capacious 
pockets. Left pocket bulging out, and carefully 
buttoned. Small slouch hat, the left leg of 
trousers hanging from top of Ids boot. General 
appearance indicates anxiety, haste and annoyance. 
Hangs ulster up after taking it off.] 

EUSHPOOT. 

Think of it! On election day! Imagine it! 
[To OLD MABY.] A fox hunt today, or any day. 

MR. SMILE. 

The sport is inspiring. 

RUSHFOOT. 

Think of it! Women by the score, men by 
the hundreds, lackeys by the dozen, all on reckless 
horse-flesh, preceded by a gang of big fanged, 
yelping dogs, the whole outfit dashing pell mell, 
over ditches and hedges in devil-may-care unison, 
pursiung a little fox. If it was a Mavrick steer, 



LORD POVERTY'S ASSETS. 143 

or a long horned Spanish bull, that would be 
different — but a little fox. 

MRS. SMILE. 
They follow the hounds in the States. 

EUSHFOOT. 

Not in my country, except those, who are in 
the metamorphic state; that is, in the process 
of transition from vulgar obscurity, to the lower 
conditions of polite society. [Enters TAYLOR. 
Hands card on salver to RUSHFOOT.] 

MRS. MABY. 

Come! {Taking MRS. SMILE by the arm.} we'll 
listen for the guns, [Guests file out right 
entrance. Enters CAPTAIN EMERY.] 

RUSHFOOT. 

[7o SALLY, seen near right entrance^ Bring 
me a slice of bread and a glass of water. [SALLY 
retires. Reading card.} "Captain Tilford Emery." 
[Sees EMERY.] Captain Emery, I'm pleased to 
meet you. 



144 LORD POVERTY'S ASSETS. 

EMERY. 

[ Small dapper looking Englishman in uniform. 
Wears a monocle.] Thanks awfully. [Bows.] 

RUSHFOOT. 
Will you step into the drawing room ? 

EMERY. 

No, thanks — awfully. But a minute! Fam 
the bearer of a message from Major Bradford, 
rather {Handing RUSHFOOT letter^ a distressing 
communication, [Boivs.] but you know a gentle- 
man's honor is at stake. 

EUSHFOOT. 

f Opening and running his eye over the letter I\ 
Whose honor? 

EMERY. 

Major Bradford's 

EUSHFOOT. 

[Reading.'] Poor devil! [Without lifting Ids 
eyes from letter?^ 



LORD POVERTY'S ASSETS. 145 

EMERY. 

[With dignity.'] What do you mean, sir? 

RUSHFOOT. 
You say the Major's honor is at stake. 

EMERY. 

Sir — he claims — 

RUSHFOOT. 

[To TAYLOR.] Say to his Lordship, that 1 
wish to see him. [To emery.] Pardon me, the 
whole business is here. [Reads.] "Sir,"— "You 
have applied, in a public and shameful manner". 
[Listens for the guns.] Let me see I got as far 
as the Major's „shameful manner." — [Reads.] 
"You have applied, in a public and shameful 
manner, by cowardly innuendo, an opprobrious 
epithet to my name. I am not a mule, neither 
am I an ass." [Enter s SALLY with bread etc.] 
Excuse me Captain I havn't had a bite since 
morning. [Looks at letter^] We got to the 
Major's assertion, that he was not an ass. 



146 LORD POVERTY'S ASSETS. 

[Reads.] "But sir a" — What's that word? 
[Hands letter to EMERY.] 

EMERY. 
I" Adjusting Ids monocle^ What word, sir? 

EUSHFOOT. 

[Points out the word with a piece of the crust 
of the bread he has just broken.] That one. 

EMERY. 
[Looking at it.] "Gentleman." [Snappishly^] 

EUSHFOOT. 

[Latighing.] I never should have suspected it. 
"Gentleman." [Laughing.) "And as such, I 
demand of you a prompt apology for your 
cowardly insult. Otherwise Captain Emery the 
bearer of this message, is authorized to act for 
me in conjunction with any gentleman you may 
name, to make such arrangements as the satis- 
faction I demand of you, calls for. I have the 
honor" — [Enters POVERTY.] 



LORD POVERTY'S ASSETS. 14* 

EMERY. 
[Bowing.] I trust your lordship is well. 

POVERTY. 
Yes — quite, thank you. 

RUSHFOOT. 
[Hands POVERTY letter.] I'm called out. 

POVERTY. 

[Looking at letter.] A challenge? Of course. 
What's the trouble? 

RUSHFOOT. 
The Major's honor has been thrown out of gear. 

POVERTY. 

Readjust it. Why not? 

EMERY. 

I trust your Lordship hasn't inherited the 
prejudice, your father had, against the code. 



148 LORD POVERTY'S ASSETS. 

RUSHFOOT. 

[To EMERY.] We don't fight duels in my 
country. Of course politicians do. Public rejoicing 
encourages such encounters, because they often 
prove fatal. 

POVERTY. 

The duello is a rank weed; it's a medieval 
thing; it's been stamped out long ago. 

RUSHFOOT. 
[To EMERY.] Men of courage don't fight, now. 

EMERY. 

Very well, my lord, you know the conse- 
quences. 

RUSHFOOT. 

[To emery.] I don't want to kill your friend. 

EMERY. 

[To poverty.] Your principal will be posted 
in every club — 

RUSHFOOT. 

[Interrupting. To POVERTY.] This medieval 



LORD POVERTY'S ASSETS. 149 

weed, you speak of, grows only in the sloughs 
of giddy club life. No decent bod}' of gentlemen 
tolerate the rank growth. 

EMERY. 

[To POVERTY.] I wait your lordship's pleasure. 
[Goes toward left entrance.] 

RUSHFOOT. 

[To EMERY.] Suppose we fight — think of 
his wife and daughter. 

POVERTY. 

Of course — it would be a shame to drive 
them into crape. 

RUSHFOOT. 

Suppose I get killed — cut off in the youth 
of my old age — damn it! — crowded off Gods 
earth — by — [To himself.] a red nosed, red 
headed English Major. [To POVERTY.] I'll fight 
at any time, at any place. 

POVERTY. 
Why not — I'll stand around with the Captain. 



150 LORD POVERTY'S ASSETS. 

EMERY. 

Stand around? 

POVERTY. 

Of course — while your man and mine are 
trying to kill each other. Why not? [Cannon 
heard without^ 

RUSHFOOT. 

Hurrah, George has won! "Maby and Arbi- 
tration, forever!" 

POVERTY. 

[Confidentially.] Don't you think your affair 
with the major, is a subject for arbitration. 

KUSHFOOT. 

Never! I'll fight and arbitrate the matter with 
his widow afterwards. [Enters HELEN, followed 
by guests.'] 

HELEN. 

[To RUSHFOOT.] Papa, didn't you hear a cannon. 

KUSHFOOT. 
Yes. 



LORD POVERTY'S ASSETS. 151 

HELEN. 

Oh! [To MRS. MABY.] Brother George has won, 

RUSHFOOT. 

[Taking out his zvatch.] Hark! {Second gun is 
heai'd.~\ By a majority of fifty or more! 

OLD MABY- 

Where is Hawkins now? [Enters TAYLOR.] 

TAYLOR. 
A message for Mr. Rushfoot. 

RUSHFOOT. 

[Taking massage from salver \] This tells the 
whole story. 

OLD MABY- 

[Listening.] Hark ! 

RUSHFOOT. 

Two cannon only! George has a majority 
of fifty six — 



152 LORD POVERTY'S ASSETS. 

MR. SMILE. 

By jove, the credit of this victory is due to 
you, Mr. Rushfoot. 

POVERTY. 
[Shaking RUSHFOOT'S hand.] Why not? 

MR. SMILE. 

[To RUSHFOOT.] How you did it I cant say, 
but you broke the hunt up. 

MRS. SMILE. 
{Looking at her husband.'] Fortunately. 

MR. SMILE. 
Fortunately. 

OLD MABY- 

[Who has been talking with RUSHFOOT.] No! 
Ha — ha — ha, you did? Ha — ha — ha, that's great! 
regular cowboy. Its all over; tell it. Ha — ha — ha — 

MR. SMILE, 
It's evidently a good joke, tell it, 



LORD POVERTY'S ASSETS. 153 

EUSHFOOT, 

When I heard of the hunt, I determined to 
break it up. Mounting "Fleeting John," that 
one of the stable men was exercising, I located 
the run, overtook and outstripped the party, 
hounds and all. Near the old well, I saw the 
mite of a beast the gang were after. When 
within twenty feet of him, I swung from my 
seat in the saddle, and swiped him. 

MR. SMILE, 
That will do for a joke, Mr. Kushfoot. 

RUSHFOOT. 

[Getting his ulster and throwing it over Ids 
left arm.] That's right — sure. 

MR. SMILE. 
Have you any witnesses ? [Laughing.] 

RUSHFOOT. 

[Taking the fox out of Ids pocket^ Only 
one — 



154 LORD POVERTY'S ASSETS. 

MR. SMILE. 

That's the fox — black tail and all. 

OLD MABY- 

There's Yankee intermeddling for you. It 
has won the day ! [Enters MR. MABY.] 

MR. MABY. 

[To his zvife.] Maxey has destroyed the 
original. 

MRS. MABY. 
Oh! [Falls.] 

EUSHFOOT. 

[Kneeling, and taking MRS. MABY in his arms.] 
Poor girl, the excitement of the day has over 
come her. 

END OF THE SECOND ACT. 



THE THIRD ACT. 

There's an elapse 01 three days between the second 
and third acts. 

The Scene is the same, as in the second act 

MR. MABY. 

{Reading letter^ To day — [Reflecting.] is the 
eighteenth. [Shaking his head] Too late — too 
late. [Enters OLD MABY zvith a number of open 
letters in his hand.] 

OLD MABY. 

[Excited.'] George! The Slopper has petered out 

MR. MABY. 

Petered out? More ill luck. 



156 LORD POVERTY'S ASSETS. 

OLD MABY. 

Good luck I should say. Got our American 
mail this morning. 

MR. MABY. 

Well. 

OLD MABY. 

The great ore chimney, at the southern end 
of the Slopper broke off. But say, say, George, 
they ran into the same vein, in the northern 
end of the Extension, and on the fourth level, 
they struck a parallel vein of high grade rock. 
[Laughs.] George, say, where is Gower now? 

ME. MABY. 

[Reflecting.] I thought, Gower had but one 
thousand shares of Extension? 

OLD MABY. 

The other thousand belonged to Lizzie, Smile 
made her sell them, no doubt. 



LORD POVERTY'S ASSETS. 157 

MR. MABY. 

I came near saving that wretched spunger 
from bankruptcy once. 

OLD MABY. 

The Bank of England couldn't accommodate 
the business methods of this shiftless coxcomb. 

MR. MABY. 

His wife is penniless. 

OLD MABY. 

Yes, the shares she kept are worthless. The 
thousand she sold are — why, when the news 
gets out, Extension ought to be worth fifteen 
pounds! 

MR. MABY. 

We ought to return her Extensions. {Looks 
at letter. \ 

OLD MABY. 

Do as you please. What do the detectives say? 



158 LORD POVERTY'S ASSETS. 

MR. MABY. 

Nothing. 

OLD MABY. 

Nothing? 

MR. MABY. 

Nothing that helps us to find the original. 
[Scrutinizing a passage in Letter :] His bank 
account has been located. 

OLD MABY. 

That's something. Good ! Was the ten thousand 
in tact? 

MR. MABY. 

Not a shilling touched. 

OLD MABY. 

How fortunate! 

MR. MABY. 
That fact, they telegraphed yesterday. 



LORD POVERTY'S ASSETS. 159 

OLD MABY. 

Well. 

MK. MABY. 

I telephoned Bonnard and Banks to attach 
the money. That they did, as appears by this 
letter. [Taking a letter from tabled Sirao was 
know to the Trafalger Bank as Jacob Kaufmann. 

OLD MABY. 
The scoundrel! 

MR. MABY. 

And a clever one! [Getting up.~\ Read [Hand- 
ing him letter'.\ this report. 

OLD MABY. 

[Refusing letter^ Give me the substance of it. 

MR. MABY. 

Sirao met Van Elfin at Rome last winter. 
He found the Dutchman in straightened circum- 
stances, and bought his "Peace" for four thousand 
pounds. 



160 Lord poverty's assets. 

OLD MABY. 

The villian! and charged you ten. 

MR. MABY. 

Again in ninety four, at Madrid, he sold a 
Bartolomeo, but delivered a copy. The fraud 
being detected, he pleaded that the original had 
been destroyed by fire. The Spaniard fearing 
he might lose his money aided Sirao to get 
from the insurance company, the value of his 
painting. The original was afterwards sold in 
Paris. On that occasion he had two copies. 
One, he palmed off on the Spaniard; the other, 
he burned, saving bits of charred canvas, to 
prove the loss of the original. 

OLD MABY. 

Prosecute the scoundrel! 

MR. MABY. 

At times, I'm tempted to offer the scoundrel 
five thousand pounds, if he'll produce the original. 



LORD POVERTY'S ASSETS. 161 

OLD MABY. 

George, I would disown you! 

MR. MABY. 

But think of it ; — we'll be the laughing stock 
of all England. 

OLD MABY. 

Let them laugh. 

MR. MABY. 

You're right father. The jig is up. I'll notify 
Marlborough House, that the celebration is to 
be indefinately postponed. 

OLD MABY. 

That's it! act the man. [Enters SIRAO, followed 
by detective, who stands back toward right en- 
trance. To his son.] Did you send for this — 
[Pointing to SIRAO.] 

MR. MABY. 

[Interrupting ■.] Yes. [To SIRAO.] Look! [Point- 
ing to the painting.] 



162 LORD POVERTY'S ASSETS. 

SIRAO. 

Yes, Mr. Maby, the Van Elfin, Mr. Maby— 
the Van Elfin. 

MR. MABY. 

Where is the original? 

SIRAO. 

My heart is not black — ■ Mr. Maby — not 
black. 

MR. MABY. 
Answer my question! 

SIRAO. 

I am an artist, — not a cheat — Mr. Maby, 
My heart — 

MR. MABY. 

{Interrupting^ Don't persist in your deceptions ; 
they'll avail you nothing. You base dog! 

SIRAO. 

That's unkind Mr. Maby — you do me injury. 
There's no profit in denunciation. 



LORD POVERTY'S ASSETS. 163 

ME. MABY. 

Do you injury — you wretch! 

SIEAO. 

Gentlemen — I keep cool — I keep my 
temper. 

MR. MABY. 

Think you, that England is without a prison — 
that her laws permit you to play the swindler 
with impunity? — ? 

SIEAO. 

See me — Mr. Maby — I'm not excited. 

ME. MABY. 

You are possessed of a prudent temper Jacob 
Kaufmann. 

SIEAO. 

[Startled] "Jacob Kaufmann!" [Laughs^ I 
don't know the gentleman. 

ME. MABY. 

The chairmann of the Trafalger Bank does. 



164 LORD POVERTY'S ASSETS. 

SIRAO. 

[Alarmed.] Mr. Maby ■— listen — Maxey, 
[Clutching his hands.] the devil Maxey — 

MR. MABY. 

Stop! Abide by your own precept. "There's 
no profit in denunciation." 

SIRAO. 

He burned it! [Wrings Ids hands and clasps 
them on his head.] The great Van Elfin! Maxey 
destroyed it. My God! the world has lost a 
canvas, that allured the touch of a master. 
'Tis burned! tis gone! My great painting! [To 
DETECTIVE.] 'Twas mine. [7o MR. MABY,] My 
heart is not black— Mr. Maby. [Beckons MR. MABY 
to one side.] I'll return your money — [Con- 
fidentially i\ the insurance company will pay me. 
You, and the nice ladies, and the art critic can 
help me get mine. See my heart — Mr. Maby. 

MR. MABY. 

[With disgust.] Sirao, understand me, I know 
your methods. You're in England not in Spain. 



LORD POVERTY'S ASSETS. 165 

You'll never swindle an insurance company here, 
as you did there. Once more — where is the 
original? 

SIKAO. 

[Agitated with conflicting emotions of zvrath, 
and despair. \ You are a dev — damn — [Grits 
his theet.] Oh ! Mr. Maby — please Mr. Maby — 
don't rob me, don't ruin me. My God, don't! 
What is there I can do, to convince 3 r ou that 
I speak the truth. I will go to London with 
you, I will do anything. You are smart — you 
have wealth — take care — in refusing to believe 
me you rob yourself. [Laughs.} Time will tell. 
My God, I speak the truth ! 

ME. MABY. 

[To DETECTIVE.] Take him away! Lodge him 
in jail to-night. 

SIKAO. 

[Excited.] Damn, have a care — [DETECTIVE 
approaches to hand-cuff him. Sirao clutches the 
air and grits Ids teeth, as the former comes 
near him.] Go away, you beast! go away! 



166 LORD POVERTY'S ASSETS. 

Damn, you dog ! You beast of a private detective. 
[DETECTIVE handcuffs him, after a struggled] 

ME. MABY. 

Take him away! 

SIEAO. 

{With resignation.'] You have a care; my soli- 
citor will be here to night. [At the right entrance.] 
My last word — time will tell. Oh God! Mr. 
Maby, the picture is burned. [MR. MABY makes 
a motion to detective to take him away] Bah! 
[To MR. MABY.] You damn! [Grits his teeth and 
spits toward MR. MABY.] You devil ! [Stamps and 
spits again.] Bah! [Exit with DETECTIVE.] 

OLD MABY. 

[Shaking his head.] I fear — 

ME. MABY. 
What? 

OLD MABY. 

That his lying throat utters the truth. 



LORD POVERTY'S ASSETS. 167 

MK. MABY. 
That Maxey has burned the original? 

OLD MABY. 

Yes. 

MR. MABY. 

What motive could the boy have had? 

OLD MABY. 

Revenge — goaded into madness by abuse. 
Say — say, didn't he snatch a painting from 
our new girl, and destroy it in the presence of 
Mrs. Smile? The girl says so. 





MR. 


MABY. 


Did Emma send for 


Lizzie ? 




OLD MABY. 


Yes. 








MR. 


MABY. 


When? 







OLD MABY. 

After breakfast. [Looking at his watch.] Tis 



168 LORD POVERTY' ES ASSTS. 

one now. Strange! 'Tis worth one's life to 
venture out in this fog. 

ME. MABY. 

Well — [Going toward left entrance^ MARL- 
BOROUGH HOUSE must be notified. [Exit MR. 
MABY.] 

OLD MABY. 

[Rings.'] The devil take the whole business! 
[Enters TAYLOR.] 

TAYLOR 

Yes, sir? [Bowing.'] 

OLD MABY. 

Brandy! [Exit TAYLOR at right entrance, 
bowing. Enters RUSHFOOT left entrance, heavy 
overcoat on and looking generally dilapidated^ 

EUSHFOOT. 

[Turning his coat collar down.] Say Maby — 
why in the devil don't your race move? Your 
old island is enveloped, more than half the time, 
in a black mist, as dense as the expulsions of 
a smoke-stack. [Enters TAYLOR with brandy.] 



LORD POVERTY'S ASSETS. 169 

OLD MABY. 

You growl at our chimate, but never at our 
brandy. [Laug/is.] 

KUSHFOOT. 

The blessed stuff— never! [OLD MABY fills 
two glases.] Your health ! [Drinks.] Thats good. 
Brandy is a trouble hunter — it's reaching. 
Nothing on earth dispels the gloom of a man's 
soul [Fills his glass.] quicker than a glass — 
[Drinks.] than two glasses of good brandy. 

OLD MABY. 
Devilish weather! 

KUSHFOOT. 

The fog is so thick, that I'll bet the Queen 
hasn't found her throne to day, unless some 
one slept on it all night, and gave the old lady 
a toot on a horn this morning. 

OLD MABY. 

The fog or the Queen doesn't concern me, 
but the Prince of Wales does, 



170 LORD POVERTY'S ASSETS. 

RUSHF00T. 

Has he been notified? 

OLD MABY. 

A messenger leaves for London this after- 
noon. George must not delay the matter 
another moment. [Goes toward left entrance^ 
Such beastly luck! {Exit. Enters JACK.] 

JACK. 

[Goes up to RUSHFOOT, and grasps him warmly 
by the hand.] I'm so glad to see you. 

RKSHFOOT. 

Evidently. 

JACK. 

[Looking him over] Not a scratch, good! 
Did you pepper him ? 

RUSHFOOT. 
Who? 

JACK. 

The Britisher. 



LORD POVERTY'S ASSETS. 171 

KUSHFOOT. 

[Hesitatingly.'] N — o. 

JACK. 
Too bad. 

RUSHFOOT. 

Who told you. 

JACK. 

[Puts his fingers to his lips.] I knew all 
about it. 

KUSHFOOT. 

[Looks at JACK and smiles. Helen appears at 
right entrance] Have a drink! 

JACK. 

Certainly! [HELEN alarmed] 

Are you much of a drinker? [Pouring out 
brandy for JACK.] 

JACK. 
I can hold my own. 



172 LORD POVERTY'S ASSETS. 

RUSHFOOT. 
[Still pouring.] Say when. 

JACK. 

A little more! 

RUSHFOOT. 
[Still pouring.} How's that ? 

JACK. 

Just a little more. [RUSHFOOT continuing.} 
There, there — thanks. 

RUSHFOOT. 

Your health! 

JACK. 

[Touching glasses.} Pardon my curiosity, but 
[Drinks.] did you — [CougJis violently?^ meet 
[Coughs.} Major Brad — [Coughs.} ford? 

RUSHFOOT. 
[Laughs^ You do hold your own, just about. 



LokD Poverty's assets. 173 

JACK. 

[With handkerchief to his eves.] Did you say — 
you met him? 

KUSHFOOT. 
No, we got lost in the fog. 

JACK. 

Too bad. I leave for America to - night. I 
cannot go without informing you, that the 
London press have been asked to investigate 
the Sirao swindle, and have sent men here for 
that purpose. 

KUSHFOOT. 

[To himself. \ Poor Emma! [To JACK.] We 
want to keep the affair out of the press. 

JACK. 

Some one here, no doubt, a woman sent an 
anonymous letter to the London dailies, alleging 
that the gift of a copy of Van Elfin's Peace, 
and the intended ceremonies, incident to its 
presentation to the Arbitration League, were the 
devices of a Yankee woman, conceived for the 



i'14 LOkD POVERTY'S ASSETS. 

sole purpose, of gaining social notoriety. That 
an exposure of the plot, will, no doubt, save 
the Prince of Wales from being inveigled into 
the scheme of honoring the occasion by his 
royal presence, and so forth, and so forth. 

EUSHFOOT. 

This is monstrous! Human malevolence has 
some limitations! You have been deceived, this 
story can't be true. 

JACK. 

I saw the letter. A reporter believing me to 
be here, as the Earth representative, on the 
same mission as himself, gave me the letter to 
copy. 

EUSHFOOT. 

Can you get the letter again. 

JACK. 
I havn't copied it yet, it's in my room. 

EUSHFOOT. 

Get it, quick! Show it to Mr. George Maby! 



LORD POVERTY'S ASSETS. 175 

JACK. 

[Going toward left entranced] There is no 
impropriety in that. It's only a devil's pigeon. 

EUSHFOOT. 
Devil's pigeon? What's that? 

JACK. 
An anonymous letter. [Exit JACK.] 

EUSHFOOT. 

"Devil's pigeon." [Helping himself to another 
glass.] The devil's pigeon — the foul hatch of 
a foul heart. [Drinks.] Life has its compensations. 
[Enters POVERTY, hat pulled dozen ; coat turned 
up, and carries pistol case. RUSHFOOT takes 
POVERTY by the hand. With dignity.] My lord, 
how did you lose me? 

POVEETY. 
[Surprised.] Lose you? 

EUSHFOOT. 

Yes, my lord. 



1/6 LORD POVERTY'S ASSETS. 

TOVERTY. 

Of course, to be sure — - why not? You got 
out of the carriage, and didn't come in again. 

EUSHFOOT. 

[Smiling and putting his hand on POVERTY'S 
shoulder. Shows slight effect of the brandy\ 
Listen, listen my boy ! After getting out of the 
carriage, I — I looked about to see where we 
were. The fog was so thick, that I couldn't 
find the thing again. The real fact was this. 
[Laughs.] Poverty — my dear Pov — [Laughing.} 
I forgot which end of our carriage, the horses 
were on. [Laughing.] Have a drink. 

POVERTY. 

Why not? [They drink.\ 

EUSHFOOT. 

I'm sorry. I wouldn't have disappointed the 
major for one hundred thousand dollars. 

POVERTY. 

Of course not. But you see, I fixed it. 



LORD POVERTY'S ASSETS. 177 

RUSHFOOT. 

[Surprised.] How ? 

POVERTY. 

After the doctor and I, the driver, the horses 
and carriage lost you — 

RUSHFOOT. 
[Laughs.'] That's good. 

POVERTY. 

We knocked about for a bit, making Rams 
Knoll, after two hours of fine swearing. On 
the way we ran into Bradford's party, lost in 
a bank of fog, so thick that a bird couldn't 
flutter through it. I jawed Emery, and asked 
him, why he hadn't met us. He replied, with 
some sort of foggy apologies, and then made 
a rush for the carriage to gab more, when he 
fell into a ditch. While they were hauling him 
out we moved on. 

RUSHFOOT. 

[Offering POVERTY his hand.'] Shake my boy, 



178 LORD POVERTY'S ASSETS. 

shake! That's right. [They shake hands.] When 
you fabricate do it with arrant grandeur. Now 
for one more ! [RUSHFOOT fills glasses.] 

POVERTY. 
Your health, why not? 

RUSHFOOT. 

[Laughing.] You did indeed fool the whole 
Bradford outfit. [Holding up glass.] As they 
say in Cripple Creek, here's that your life may 
be crowded with extravagant satisfactions and 
high grade indulgences. 

POVERTY. 

[Holding up glass.] Here's that the Major 
will miss you. 

RUSHFOOT. 

And that I'll hit him — [They drink.] weather 
permitting. 

POVERTY 

Of course. But he may apologize. 



LORD POVERTY'S ASSETS. 179 

KUSHFOOT. 

He ought to, he knows now that I wasn't 
thrown. 

POVERTY. 

Yes, but the Major said you called him an 
ass. He says that if you apologize, he will. 
Meet him half way, why not? 

RUSHFOOT. 

My lord don't — I'm sensitive — don't — 
because I like you. You don't run much to senti- 
ment, but brains are in your head. 

POVERTY. 

I think so — I'm not sure. 

RUSHFOOT. 
Apologize — never! 

POVERTY. 

Then it's fight? 

RUSHFOOT. 
Sure. I'll teach the Major that to challenge 



180 LORD POVERTY'S ASSETS. 

an American is a damned serious affair. [Enters 

TAYLOR.] 

TAYLOR. 
[To RUSHFOOT.] Your lunch, sir. 

RUSHFOOT. 
Have you a plate for his lordship? 

TAYLOR. 
Yes sir. [Bows and retires^ 

RUSHFOOT. 
[Going toward right entrance^ Come. 

POVERTY. 

Why not? 

RUSHFOOT. 

Apologize, no ! 

POVERTY. 

Of course — Why not? [Exeunt RUSHFOOT 
and POVERTY. Bell rings. Enters JACK, followed 
by SALLY.] 



LORD POVERTY'S ASSETS. 181 

JACK. 

[Taking letter from his pockety Give this to 
Mr. George Maby. 

SALLY. 
Yes sir. [Retires.] 

JACK. 

[Musing.] Things are twisted in this house. 
[Enters HELEN.] My own affairs are not entirely 
straight. 

HELEN. 

[Approaching JACK and putting her arm around 
him.] What are you thinking of, Jack? 

JACK. 

[Looking at HELEN sternly^] Of a fool. 

HELEN 

[Seriously,] There is one in this house. 

JACK. 
Very likely. 



182 LORD POVERTY'S ASSETS. 

HELEN. 

[Looking at JACK very tenderly^ Jack, did 
the picture suggest the idea? 

JACK. 

[To himself.-] "Her last dupe"— [To HELEN.] 
It suggested nothing, it told me everything. 

HELEN. 

[Looking.] Yes, I'm so sorry, but what's done 
can't be undone. 

JACK. 

[To himself^ Isn't this refreshing? [To HELEN.] 
You're unkind, to put it mildly. 

HELEN. 

I may be — 'tis not sisterly. 

JACK. 
Sisterly ! 

HELEN. 

No. [Quietly^] Jack, I've talked the matter 
over with papa. 



LORD POVERTY'S ASSETS. 183 

JACK. 

Well — what does he say ? 

HELEN. 

He says there are three kinds of cheek. 
There's cheek, brass, and sublime confidence. 

JACK. 

[Looking at HELEN sternly^ Seeking you 
beneath this roof, was no doubt a piece 
of cheek. 

HELEN. 

Yes, but it was so good of you, Jack. 

JACK. 
Posing as an art critic was another — 

HELEN. 

Yes a piece of effulgent, heroic effrontery. It 
was grand ! {Laughing.'] 



184 LORD POVERTY'S ASSETS. 

JACK. 
[Taking his /tat.] I'm off to America. 



Jack ! 



HELEN. 



JACK. 



[Goes to left entranced] Before going permit 
me to say, that when a girl forces a fellow, 
whom she pretends to love, into another room, 
in order to make love, to one she doesn't 
profess to love, possesses a transcendental 
nerve, shoved clear through the roof of the 
superlative degree. "Your last dupe." [Exit 
JACK.] 

HELEN. 

[Following JACK.] Jack! Come back! I love 
you. [Enters BENSON.] Oh Heavens ! [To herself.] 
What a mess! What does Jack mean? [BENSON 
approaches HELEN.] Oh, Miss Benson! [BENSON 
hands HELEN a letter. HELEN opens it and starts 
to read.] Oh dear, this is not for me! 



LORD POVERTY'S ASSETS. 185 

BENSON. 
His lordship. [Bowing. HELEN returns letter, .] 

HELEN. 

[To herself.] I don't know what I'm doing. 
What does Jack mean? [To BENSON.] Lord 
Poverty is lunching with papa. [BENSON bows 
and goes in drazving room. Enters EFFIE.] 

EFFIE. 

Why, Mr. Randolph is returning to America 
isnt he? 

HELEN. 
[/// despair.] Oh, did you see him? 

EFFIE. 

Yes, just as I entered, he bade me good bye. 
Dear ! he was awfully excited ! 

HELEN. 

[/;/ luidertone, looking toward drazving room, 
and then at Effie. The latter understands Helen's 
glance and answers in like manner^ Effie pit)' 



186 LORD POVERTY'ES ASSTS. 

me — pity me ! [Puts handkerchief to her 
eyes.] I am forsaken. 

EFFIE. 

Forsaken? 

HELEN. 
[Nods.] Yes — forsaken. 

EFFIE. 

{Consoling her.] What is the matter? 

HELEN. 

[Reflecting.] Do you know Lord Poverty well? 
[Tragically,] Has he got a memory? Is his 
promise to be relied on? 

EFFIE. 
[Surprised.] Why yes. 

HELEN. 

[To herself.] I see it all. [To EFFIE.] You 
are deceived. [To herself] He has forgotten 
to tell Jack, that I was to help him hoodwink 



LORD POVERTY'S ASSETS. 187 

this old creature here. [Nodding her head toward 
BENSON.] Oh! {Walking up and down the staged 
Self preservation is the first law of nature. 
[Looks at EFFIE and then at BENSON. To EFFIE.] 
I feel like a lioness that's lost her only whelp, 
that's lost her only Jack. Oh dear, my head 
is not on my body, I'm mad! 

EFFIE. 

Why Helen! 

HELEN. 

— h. [Advancing toward BENSON, zvJw appears 
at entrance of drawing room, To BENSON in 
tragic tone.] Miss Benson, [Enters POVERTY.] 
Lord Poverty doesn't care the snap of his 
finger for me, and I don't care the snap of my 
finger for — [Sees poverty.] for Lord Poverty. 
[Falls on sofa] 

POVERTY. 

Of course. 

BENSON. 

[Approaches POVERTY.] Your lordship. {Hands 
him letter. Bows and retires.] 



188 LORD POVERTY'S ASSETS. 

HELEN. 

[Jumping up.] I'm mad. 

POVERTY. 

Mad, of course. 

HELEN. 

You are the cause of it. Your love for me 
was all pretence. 

POVERTY. 
To be sure — quite right. 

EFFIE. 

{Surprised. To POVERTY.] Is it possible? 

POVERTY. 

Why not? Only duplicity. [Enters SALLY.] 

SALLY. 

[To HELEN.] Madame wants to see you 
himmediately, Miss Helen. [SALLY retires.] 

HELEN. 

[Going" toward left entrance.] I am lost! 
[Exit HELEN.] 



LORD POVERTY'S ASSETS. 189 

POVERTY. 

[Looking at EFFIE.] Is the situation clear 
to you? 

EFFIE. 
Yes. [Sighing^ 

POVERTY. 
Is it now? — Fancy! 

EFFIE. 
Quite clear. 

POVERTY. 
What is the muss? 

EFFIE. 

[Stowly.~\ Have you ever pretended to love 
Miss Helen? 

POVERTY. 
Of course — to be sure. 

EFFIE. 

And you didn't ? 



190 LORD POVERTY'S ASSETS. 

TOVEKTY. 

How could I love her and you at the same 
time? 

EFFIE. 

I am sorry to hear this from your own lips, 
my lord. 

POVERTY. 

I've been making an ass of myself. I think — 
I'm not sure. You see, I've been after money. 

EFFIE. 
Oh Lord Poverty ! 

POVEETY. 

Why not — I might as well have it as 
anyone else. [Takes out letter.] Would you mind if 
I took a look at this. [Goes to right of stage 
and reads and comments to himself ?[ Here she 
raises the devil — [Turns over page.] here he's 
continued. A lecture on economy — her self 
respect and the pride of the Povertys. Here's 
the milk of the cocoanut. [Reads.] "In view of 
all I have said, you can't but see the justice 



LORD POVERTY'S ASSETS. 191 

of my act — you inherit nothing — my estate 
is left to the first male issue of your body. 
Lady Hamilton." The first male issue. 'Twould 
be a joke if it was a girl. [Reflects.'] Another 
girl, another joke. Fine assets. An aunt ot mine had 
thirteen girls I think, I'm not sure. [To EFFIE.] 
You see I've been check-mated. Let her keep 
her money — the baby will have it. Let me 
tell you the whole thing. 

EFFIE. 

[Alarmed going to left entranced] I must go ! 

POVERTY. 
I want a chat with you about the matter. 

EFFIE. 

I must go, Lord Poverty! [Enters OLD MABY, 
excited.] 

OLD MABY. 

[To POVERTY.] Maxey has regained conscious- 
ness. He's jabbering away in Italian. Come 
hurry ! 



192 LORD POVERTY'S ASSETS. 

POVERTY. 

\To effie.] I must talk to you. [Exeunt 
POVERTY and OLD MABY.] 

EFFIE. 

The situation isn't so clear to me now. 
{Reflecting^ I don't dare to think. Oh dear! 
I have almost loved — I'm frightened, I must 
go. Pretended to love Helen. {Enters JACK. 
Doesn't see EFFIE.] 

JACK. 

I must at least pay my respects to Old Mr. 
Maby. Then I'll bid farewell to this infernal 
place. "Her last dupe." Oh! pretending to love 
me, when she loved Lord Poverty. [EFFIE 
surprised, coughs to attract JACK'S attention^ 
Miss Revere ! Did you get on to — I mean, did 
you overhear any of my remarks? 

EFFIE. 

I'm afraid, I did. 



LORD POVERTY'S ASSETS. 193 

JACK. 
I thought I was alone. 

EFFIE. 
Pardon me, but I'm so excited. 

JACK. 

[Aside.] She's tumbled. [To EFFIE.] Miss 
Revere, you are an American, so am I — you're 
in trouble, so am I — I know it. I've been 
aped on and so have you. 

EFFIE. 

Aped on? 

JACK. 

Yes — monkeyed with — made a fool of. 
Lord Poverty has pretended to love you, 
hasn't he. 

EFFIE. 

Assume he has. 



194 LORD POVERTY'S ASSETS. 

JACK. 

\ Confidentially.} He cares no more for you, 
than Helen Rushfoot does for me. He's a 
deceiver, and Helen Rushfoot is — well — 

EFFIE. 

[Interrupting.'] I'm horrified ! — It can't be 
true ! 

JACK. 

Do you know the situation? Yet, I have 
loved that girl. 

EFFIE. 
[Faintly.'] Let me get out into the open air. 

JACK. 

[To EFFIE.] My soul is stirred with such — 
[To himself.} damnable emotions — I'll jump 
the game now. A note will do. [Aside,] "Her 
last dupe." [Exeunt EFFIE and JACK. Enters 
MR. MABY from right entrance. He stands as 



LORD POVERTY'S ASSETS. 195 

though ivaiting for some one to follow him. 
Looks at letter lie holds in his hand.~] 

MR. MABY. 

Astounding! [Enters OLD MABY excited.] 

OLD MABY. 
What does Emma say? 

MR. MABY. 

Nothing. 

OLD MABY. 
Nothing? 

MR. MABY. 

She looked at the letter, and recognizing the 
handwriting of Lizzie Smile, she recoiled at the 
sight of her friends treachery. I must go. Maxey 
relapsed, didn't he? 

OLD MABY. 
Yes, before his lordship reached the chamber. 



196 LORD POVERTY'S ASSETS. 

MR. MABY. 

I am going to the hotel to see Mr. Randolph. 
Something must be done to avert a newspaper 
scandal. You had better go down to the stable 
and see how Rushfoot gets on with Sirao. 

OLD MABY. 

I'll go right away. [Exit OLD MABY, right 
entrance?^ 

ME. MABY. 

[Putting on his hat.] There are crimes 
that human speech refuses to describe. This 
womans act must remain undefined. [Exit, left 
entrance. TAYLOR appears at right entrance^ 

TAYLOR. 

Sally, Sally! Come 'ere! [SALLY appears^ 

SALLY. 
What's hup Bob. 

TAYLOR. 

There's 'igh jinks hagoing hon hat the stable. 



LORD POVERTY'S ASSETS. 197 

SALLY- 

'Igh jinks? 

TAYLOR. 

Aye. Mr. Rushfoot his trying to force the 
Hitalian to tell where the pinting his. 

SALLY. 

Hit's burned — Hi tell you — [Listens.] 'Ark, 
hit's a carriage! 

TAYLOR. 

Get hout hof 'ere! [They cross the stage 
to left entrance and retire. Enters MRS. SMILE.] 

MRS. SMILE. 

[Looks about her.] Foggy. [Looks at pictures, 
taking a position, that commands view of both 
entrances.] The shock should have come after 
and not before their celebration. Well. [Appro- 
aches painting. Examines it with lo?gnettes.] Fate 
still scowls. [Taking position as before.] The pin 
I stuck in the copy, wouldn't be found in the 
original. [Laughs.] I wonder, if the reporters 
have been here yet? Emma Maby will find 



198 LORD POVERTY'S ASSETS. 

perchance, that a tearless press, knows how to 
burn and blister the hearts of even the audacious. 
Think of these Yankee millionaires; they come 
among us, pamper either to our vanities or 
prejudices — throw their money here, and 
elsewhere, as a butcher shys a bone to a 
gang of scurvey curs, and fancy forsooth, that 
the gates of royalty, should be thrown open to 
them. Oh! this sensitive friend of mine. She 
may yet learn that the road that leads upwards, 
from the planes of social mediocraty, to the 
summit of royal favor, is beset with perils. 
[Enters MRS. MABY, very feeble, grasping objects 
as she advances MRS. SMILE starts to go toivard 
her, but an indefinable gesture from MRS. MABY, 
causes her to 



MRS. SMILE. 
I am sorry Emma to find you so ill. 

MRS. MABY. 
Only a nervous spell. 

MRS. SMILE. 

Anxiety, poor girl. 



LORD POVERTY'S ASSETS. 199 

MES. MABY. 

[Approaching the picture. Gazes at it while 
siLpporting Jierself by grasping a chair.'] How 
beautiful! [Putting her handkerchief to her eyes 
and silently weeping^] Come! {Extending Jier 
hand backzuard without moving Jier body.] Come ! 
[Pulls her hand back as though horrified at her 
act. MRS. SMILE not seeing her extended hand 
remains motionless^ Beyond the river, [IVeeps.] 
amid the flowers — two maidens walk hand in 
hand — the taller one looks like — [Turns and 
gazes at MRS. SMILE.] How beautiful you were! 
[Weeps.] And oh, how I loved you! [Turns 
again to the painting.] 

MES. SMILE. 
[To herself.] Does she suspect? Impossible! 

MES. MABY. 

The smaller one — how trustingly she gazes 
into the eyes of her fair companion. [Weeps.] 

MES. SMILE. 

Why Emma ! you're almost in a state of 
collapse. 



200 LORD POVERTY'S ASSETS. 

MRS. MABY. 

Not now — these tears strengthen me. [Stands 
without support.] 

MRS. SMILE. 

Emma, you are too ambitious. 

MRS. MABY. 

[Looking at her handkerchief, that she twists, 
nervously in her hand.] No — no, I'm only 
unhappy. 

MRS. SMILE. 

You ought to be happy. 

MRS. MABY. 

[Looking at MRS. SMILE.] Ought to be happy? 
[Greatly moved '.] 

MRS. SMILE. 

In your present nervous condition, you'll be 
unequal to the task of entertaining royalty. 

MRS. MABY. 
[With spirit] The higher type of my country 



LORD POVERTY'S ASSETS. 201 

women require no nerve, nothing but heart, to 
entertain a Prince, without it they couldn't 
entertain a pauper. 

MRS. SMILE. 

[Sarcastically^ English women esteem it a 
high privilege to act the hostess to a guest, as 
exalted as his Royal Highness. You Americans 
may regard such presence, as a mere incident 
to a generous spread — giving the matter no 
farther thought, than that, of telling the butler 
to drop an extra plate on the table. 

MES. MABY. 

[With spirit."] I am the wife of a British 
subject. My husbands solicitude for the comfort 
of a guest should be shared by me, but let me 
assure you, that beneath this roof, royalty 
possessing the true qualities of gentility, will 
find the fullest measure of honest cheer. The 
presence of His Highness at my "generous 
spread ", will not be signalized by the dropping 
of an extra plate on my table — nor shall I, a 
descendant of one who expired at Bunker Hill 



202 LORD POVERTY'S ASSETS. 

drop my self respect, as I would drop an old 
garment, to cringe, stammer and scrape, in the 
presence of any human creature, prince, king or 
potentate. 

MRS. SMILE. 

As the wife of a British subject, you'll dis- 
cover that the homage due to His Highness is 
prescribed by inexorable canons, the infraction 
of which may, to say the least, render yon 
open to the common criticism, that — 

MRS. MABY. 

That what? 

MRS. SMILE. 
"That court obeisance, gauls only" — 

MRS. MABY. 

Yes? 

MRS. SMILE. 
"The republican parvenu." 

MRS. MABY. 
[Indignantly.'] Epigrammatic slander has no 



L ORD POVERTY'S ASSETS. 203 

terrors for me. If facts justify these detestible 
words, then the great republic is a lie — a 
patchwork of illusions and silly dreams. Let 
me deal in honest words, words that have not 
been whipped into a smart phrase, to humiliate 
the groveling sycophant of royalty, but words 
that proclaim the nobility of a race, which 
dwells beyond the seas, and those words are, 
madame that within the sovereignties of the 
Great Republic, we kneel to none, but God, 
and our mothers. 

MRS SMILE. 

Why Emma! I marvel at the sublimity of 
your spirit. After all you can't blame one for 
sticking up for one's own country. Perhaps I 
made a mistake, in presuming upon the friends- 
hip of years to hint, that after all, social 
ambition is but the heart burn of wealth. 

MRS. MABY. 

Socially, I ask nothing, but what belongs to 
me. What you are pleased to call my social 
aims, 1 call my social rights. [Falls into a chair. \ 



204 LORD POVERTY'S ASSETS. 

I sent for you, this morning to ask you about 
— but it doesn't matter, and in fact, I regret — 
that — you came. [To her self \] I can't accuse 
her. [Enters HELEN, excited.] 

HELEN. 

[Excited.'] Maxey — ! [Surprised at seeing 
MRS. SMILE.] 

MRS. SMILE. 
Emma, can I do anything for you. 

MKS. MABY. 

[Without looking at her.] Yes, step into the 
drawing room. 

MRS. SMILE. 

[Looks at HELEN then at MRS. MABY.] Cer- 
tainly. [Goes to drawing room entrance. To 
Aside.] Strange, very strange! [Retires] 

HELEN. 

Maxey has regained consciousness! 



LORD POVERTY'S ASSETS. 205 

MRS. MABY. 

Who's with him? 

HELEN. 

Lord Poverty. 

MES. MABY. 
Has he spoken? 

HELEN. 

Not yet. He sat up in bed, looked about 
and then fell back and began to cry. 

MES. MABY. 

[Going toward left entranced] Poor boy. 
[Retires] 

HELEN. 

[Looking toward drawing room door.] Madame 
Treachery, I hope never to see your face again. 
[Exit HELEN. Enter RUSHFOOT and OLD MABY.] 

KTJSHF00T. 
It's destroyed. 



206 LORD POVERTY'S ASSETS. 

OLD MABY. 

George insists, that Sirao is playing his 
Spanish trick on us. 

EUSHFOOT. 

He's wrong; Sirao could no more deliver to 
him Van Elfin's Peace, than an assassin could 
call from the grave, the victim of his treachery. 

OLD MABY. 

I's no use. [Enters MR. MABY.] 

ME. MABY. 

[Excited^ The reporters insist upon seeing 
the painting; they're coming over directly. There 
must be no excitement. I've admitted nothing; 
said nothing. [To RUSHFOOT.] Did you get 
anything out of Sirao? 

EUSHFOOT. 

Enough to convince me, that he's telling the 
truth. I've turned him over to a police 
constable. 



LORD POVERTY'S ASSETS. 207 

OLD MABY. 

Charged with attempt to murder. 

MR. MABY. 

Not with swindling? 

OLD MABY. 

No — you'll have plenty of time to lodge that 
complaint against him later on. 

MR. MABY. 

You're right. 'Twould only add fuel to the 
fire. [Enter MRS. MABY and HELEN, excited.} 

MRS. MABY. 
Maxey is up! 

MR. MABY. 

Up? 

MRS. MABY. 

Yes, and dressed. Taylor is taking him 
down. 

RUSHF00T. 

What does he say? 



208 LORD POVERTY'S ASSETS. 

MES. MABY. 
He's half delirious. 

MR. MABY. 

Did he say anything about the painting? 

MES. MABY. 
Nothing intelligible. 

HELEN. 

[Who has been watching?^ Here he comes. 
\Enters MAXEY, pale and weak. His head is 
bandaged and a silk shawl is trown over his 
shoulders. He is supported by TAYLOR, who 
walks hehind him. He jabbers to POVERTY, who 
has entered with him in ITALIAN, and then in 
broken ENGLISH.] 

MAXEY. 

Dove mi porti? {Where are you taking me)} 

POVEETY. 

Dove ti porto? Dia tuoi amici. ['Where am 
I taking you". Among your friends '.] 



LORD POVERTY'S ASSETS. 209 

MAXEY. 

Mi porti da mia sorella in Italia. (Take me 
to my sister in Italy.) 

FOVEETY. 

Take you to your sister. Of course — we'll 
send 3'ou to her. (Da tua sorella? Dicerto, ti 
manderemo da lei.) 

MAXEY. 

[Sinks to the floor :] Mamma mia! (Mother!) 
[Cries.] 

POVERTY. 

[To MRS. maby.] The lad calls for his dead 
mother. He's hardly conscious. [MRS. MABY 
weeps.] 

MAXEY. 

[Starts. Looks about him; sees the painting 
In terror^ Mi amazzera! Ainto auto! (He will 
kill me! Hide me!) [Trys to stand.] 

POVERTY. 
Sirao, won't kill you ; we wont let him. You 



210 LORD POVERTY'S ASSETS. 

needn't hide. (Sirao, non ti amazzera, non c'e 
bis agno di ainto.) 

MAXEY. 

{Looks at POVERTY scrutinizing his face.} 
No, Lei non e\ (No — o. You're not — )? 

POVERTY. 

No. I'm not Sirao. (No, non sono Sirao.) 

MAXEY. 

[Sees MRS. MABY.] Lada ! lada ! [Points to 
picture.] Origa ! origa ! 

RUSHFOOT. 

He says this in the original. 

MR. MABY. 

[Points to painting. \ This? [Goes up to paint- 
ing and puts his finger on it.] This ? [Nods.] 
This? 

MAXEY. 

[Shakes his head.] Bada ! bada! [Points again 
to painting^ Origa! 



LORD POVERTY'S ASSETS. 211 

RUSHFOOT. 

First he says it's the original, and then he 

says it isn't. 

POVERTY. 

\Talks to MAXEY, who has become very weak, 
but rational. All gather about to hear the out- 
come. To RUSHFOOT.] The thing is all right. 
[POVERTY looks toward painting.] Of course — 
why not? [Speaks a few hurried ivords to 
RUSHFOOT and then to MR. MABY.] 

RUSHFOOT. 

[Hastily examines back end of framed That's 
right! [To POVERTY.) Sure! 

MR. MABY. 

[Exited, pulls out his watch.] The train 

leaves in twenty minutes! [To TAYLOR.] Rush 

to the stable ! — tell Harry to mount, and ride 

for his life to the station, have Phillips return 

to Devon House at once. Quick! Not a moment 

to lose! 

TAYLOR. 

Yes sir. [Retires in haste. SALLY from left 
entrance?^ 



212 LORD POVERTY'S ASSETS. 

SALLY. 

[To MR. MABY.] Three gentlemen from the 'otel 
his hacoming hup the front driveway sir. 

MR. MABY. 

The reporters! [To his father.} Take Maxey 
into the drawing room, quick ! 

OLD MABY. 

[Taking MAXEY in his arms.] Come, my boy, 
you're, among friends [Exit carrying MAXEY. 
Enters Sirao, handcuffed to POLICE CONSTABLE, 
at right entrance.] 

POLICE CONSTABLE. 

[To MR. MABY.] The prisoner wants a word 
with you, sir. [Enters SALLY, followed by 
reporters^ 

SALLY. 

[To MR. MABY.] The gentlemen want to see 
Mr. Maby, sir. [SALLY retires^ 

MK. MABY. 

[To POVERTY.] This stupid constable! Get 



LORD POVERTY'S ASSETS. 213 

them both out! Don't allow the handcuffs to 
be seen! [To REPORTERS.] Gentlemen, I am 
pleased to meet you again. 

POVEBTY. 

|" Taking newspaper from the table. Takes 
Sirao and constable by manacled arms from 
beJiind. throws paper in front of him, so as to 
conceal handcuffs. Whispers to SIRAO and officer. 
To MR. MABY.] Just a moment. [All three bow.] 
Just a moment. [They continue to bow, as they 
back toivard right entrance^ Why not ? [Exeunt.} 

REPORTER. 

If you will pardon us, Mr. Maby, we failed 
to gather from our last interview with you, at 
the hotel, whether you were in possession of 
Van Elfins master piece or only a copy. 

MR. MABY. 

[Pointing to PAINTING.] There, gentlemen, is 
the copy. [Enters POVERTY.] 

POVERTY. 

[To reporters.] Of course. 



214 LORD POVERTY'S ASSETS. 

RUSHFOOT. 
[Drawing out copy from the end of frame. 
And here gentlemen, is the original! [The colors 
of original are brighter. The illumination of 
painting, by turning on gas of all the jets at 
the same instant, is greater .] 

POVERTY. 

To be sure. 

MR. MABY. 

Just a little surprise to entertain our friends. 
[Looking at MRS. SMILE.] 

POVERTY. 

Why not? 

MRS. SMILE. 

A surprise indeed. [Laughing long and loud.] 
THE END OF THE THIRD ACT. 



THE FOURTH ACT. 

There's an elapse of three days between the third 
and fourth acts. 

The Scene is the large drawing room in 
Poverty Castle, five miles from Dor- 
chester Oaks. Facing the audience, is an 
arched entrance, with pillars on each side, 
leading into large hall. On the left of stage, 
is an entrance leading into the modern wing 
of castle, and on riglit, another entrance to 
the deserted quarters. Tlie room is a cheer- 
less one. T/ie walls are decorated, with 
portraits of wmnen in court trains, knights 
in armor, hunting scenes, etc. etc. Ancient 
armor, swords and battle axes are distributed 
about the room. The portraits, on the wall, 
are hung in an irregular manner, tilted to 
rigJit and left. Large ancient table stands in 



216 LORD POVERTY'ES ASSTS. 

centre of room, zuith chairs, strewed about, 
without pretense to order. Hie appearance of 
the room suggests dust and cobwebs. POVERTY 
is discovered, ex an lining papers, that he takes 
from an old chest on the table. 



POVERTY. 

Me assets are low. [Takes another paper 
from box.] God don't think much of money, 
or He'd [Looks in box.] give more of it to his 
best chaps. {Looking for another paper .] Now 
and then, a decent man has millions [Exam- 
ining box.] dumped on him. [Looking at 
audience^ Too much of the stuff is awkward, 
they tell me. You can't chuck junks of it, at 
the howl of every beggar, neither can you bag 
it all ; without being called an ass in the first 
instance, and a hog in the second. This was 
the wise observation of an American millionaire, 
and a fine chap he was — they tell me. Person- 
ally, 1 rather be a [Examining box.'] hog, and 
wallow in the dough, than an [Examining box.] 
ass, and eat the thistles of envious criticism. 



LORD POVERTY'S ASSETS. 217 

[Throws papers in box, and crams tJiem dozen.} 
It's not there. [Pulls bell cord. Cracked bell 
rings with a noisy ding.~\ Where can it be? 
[Enters BULLOCK — a fat, beefy looking servant, 
with a cockney accent^ Bullock — where are me 
other assets? 

BULLOCK. 
Hin the Harches Tower, me lud. 

POVERTY. 

Bring them here — take these out. 

BULLOCK. 

Himmediately me lud. [Places box on floor. 
Puts documents, that have fallen on the table 
into box, and stamps on them.] 

10 VERT Y. 

| } I dtchiug him.] T mats right, Bullock — be 
careful — don't lose any. 

BULLOCK. 
Pardon the observation, me lud. Hi've never 



218 LORD POVERTY'S ASSETS. 

lost ha paper since Hi've 'ad charge hof the 
family harchives. 

POVERTY. 
You're careful, Bullock. Of course. 

BULLOCK. 

Hi 'opes Hi ham, me lud. [Takes box up, 
starts to go, then hesitates.'] Hif your ludship 
pleases, you've forbidden me to henter the Harches 
Tower, on haccount of the setting 'en. 

POVERTY. 

Do you mean, Nancy? 

BULLOCK. 

No me lud. Nancy 'as 'er nest hin the 
mahogany wardrobe hof the state chamber. 
Tis Queen Moll, that's hin the Harches Tower. 

POVERTY. 

Fancy? I thought it was Nancy. Don't bother 
about Queen Moll, she's not game. 



LORD POVERTY'S ASSETS. 219 

BULLOCK. 
Very well, me kid. [Starts to go.~\ 

POVERTY. 

Bullock, keep the cat out of the of the state 
chamber. 

BULLOCK. 

Hi 'aven't seen the cat, me lud, for some 
days. [Starts again.] 

POVERTY. 

Bullock ! 

BULLOCK. 

Yes, me lud. 

POVERTY. 

Get another cat — the rats must be kept 
down. 

BULLOCK. 

Himmediately, me lud. [Exit with box. Enters 
HELEN from right entrance.} 

HELEN. 
Why don't Jack come; 



220 LORD POVERTY'S ASSETS. 

POVERTY. 

[Examining papers, he takes from drazver.] 
He'll be here. Why not? 

HELEN. 

[Seriously.] I've done something you'll like. 

POVERTY. 
Of course — 

HELEN. 

[Looking at POVERTY.] Effie is coming here 
today. 

POVERTY. 
Is she now! 

HELEN. 

'Twas good of you, to intercept Jack at 
Liverpool for me. 

POVERTY. 

To be sure. You see he registered at the 
Adelphi. Finding him out, I dropped him a 
line, saying that we were all going to America, 



LORD POVERTY'S ASSETS. 221 

on the next steamer, and asking him to return 
to Dorchester Oaks, and go with us. 

HELEN. 

What did Jack say in his answer? Please 
tell me every word. 

POVERTY. 

He said he thought, you were trying to pull 
my [Looks in drawer^ hand for a title. 

HELEN. 

[With sur pressed laugh, but with mock serious- 
ness^ Are you sure, he said hand. 

POVERTY. 

{Looking at HELEN.] I think so — I'm not 
sure. And he said he was sorry to hear, that 
you were [Looking at paper.'] dying. 

HELEN. 
Dying? 

POVERTY 

Yes — dying on account of him. 



222 LORD POVERTY'S ASSETS. 

HELEN. 

Lord Poverty! you didn't write him any such 
stuff, as that, did you? 

POVEETY. 

I told him, that you were mushed on him. 

HELEN. 

Oh! Don't, don't! [Wringing her hands and 
laughing^ It isn't mushed, it's m-a-s-h-e-d, 
mashed ! 

POVEETY. 

Yes — why not? — of course. But you see it's 
too late now, I wrote it m-u-s-h-e-d, — mushed. 
It's quite the same — why not? 

HELEN. 

Oh dear me! All this humiliation, all this 
sorrow, comes from the awful mistake you 
made, Lord Poverty. 

POVEETY. 

Of course — I quite see that. 



LORD POVERTY'S ASSETS. 223 

HELEN. 

Jack is so jealous. 

POVERTY. 
Jealous, why not ? 

HELEN. 

If Jack had known, that it was only a game 
to deceive Benson, he would have enjoyed it 
so — so much. 

POVERTY. 

So much? Of course. 

HELEN. 

Oh, I wish Jack would come! [Seriously, .] Do 
you know, I've been all over j^our castle. 

POVERTY. 
Have you, now ? 

HELEN. 

Lord Povertv — vour roof leaks. 



224 LORD POVERTY'S ASSETS. 

POVERTY. 
Does it? 

HELEN. 

Yes, everywhere, except that end. There is 
no roof on that end. [Pointing.'] Why don't you 
stop the leaks at this end? [Pointing.'] 

POVERTY. 

You see, the Povertys have always had a 
weakness for ventilation. 

HELEN. 

[Touching table, and then iviping dust off her 
finger with Jiandket -chief.] Is your house-keeper 
a very competent woman? 

POVERTY. 

The last one was — I've none now. 

HELEN. 

Has she been gone long? 



LORD POVERTY'S ASSETS. 225 

POVEKTY. 
Five years, I think. 

HELEN. 

[Aside.] So do I. \Looking about and shudder - 
ing\ Lord Poverty, you wont be offended, if 
I ask you a question — will you ? 

POVERTY. 

Nonsense ! 

HELEN. 
You wont think me ill bed. 

POVERTY. 

Not at all — go on. 

HELEN. 

If you should ever marry Effie, would you 
take her, to live here. 

POVERTY. 

Of course — why not? I'd live in a garret 
with Maloney — if it leaked. You know, I must 
have ventilation. 



226 LORD POVERTY' ES ASSTS. 

HELEN. 

Where would you keep your hens then? 

POVERTY. 

In the banqueting hall — I think — I'm 
not sure. 

HELEN. 

[Looking at portraits.} Who were these? 
[Pointing to knights.} 

POVERTY. 

Povertys. 

HELEN. 
And the ladies? 

POVERPY. 
More Povertys. 

HELEN. 

[Pointing to portrait.} Don't you think, that 
knight is a little skewed. 

POVERTY. 

He was, I think — I'm — 



LORD POVERTY'S ASSETS. 227 

HELEN. 

[Laugkmg.'] No, no! I mean the portrait. It's 
higher on this side than on the other. [Pointing.] 

POVERTY. 

[Looking.] Fancy ! [Loud knocking at the outer 
door of front entranced] A caller, and Bullock is 
not here, [POVERTY disappears for an instant 
and then returns.] Mr. Maby — the old chap. 

HELEN. 

Is Jack with him? 

POVERTY. 

I'll see. [Retires. Knocking continues. POVERTY 
is heard, calling to wait a minute. Noise of 
falling boards. Enters OLD MABY, with dust on 
his coat, handkerchief in hand, wiping dust of 
his face, followed by POVERTY.] 

OLD MABY. 

Who — [Sneezes.] was — [Sneezes.] the last 
man who entered that door. [Sneezes.] I'm nearly 
choked, [Turns and looks at entrance.] 



228 LORD POVERTY'S ASSETS. 

POVEETY. 

The sheriff. , 

OLD MABY. 
And the man before him? 

POVERTY- 

Another sheriff, I think — I'm not sure. 

OLD MABY. 

Are you sure it wasn't William the Conqueror. 
[Laughs.] Well, well, my lord! [Looking about 
him.] how are you? 

POVERTY. 

Busy. I'm straightening matters up, to go to 
America. [HELEN disappears through arched 
entrance^ 

OLD MABY. 

{Looking about.] Straightening matters up eh? 
You'll be busy then for the winter. 

POVERTY. 

A few hours. 



LORD POVERTY'S ASSETS. 229 

OLD MABY. 

[Laughing i\ You're booked for Saturday, yes, 
yes. Say, s&y — why in the devil did you let 
Rushfoot get into this scrape? 

POVERTY. 

The duel? 

OLD MABY. 

You're liable to arrest, at any moment. In 
fact the police are stirring. 

POVERTY. 

Of course. — So are we. 

OLD MABY. 
Say, say, is Bradford badly hurt? 

POVERTY. 

Cheek grazed, and part of his ear gone. Only 
one shot. 

OLD MABY. 
Where is Bradford? 



230 LORD POVERTY'S ASSETS. 

POVERTY. 

On the way to Belgium. When we quit, 

they'll not have evidence enough to justify a 

warrant. In six months the affair will be 

forgotten. 

OLD MABY. 

Where are the folks? 

POVERTY. 

In the Annie repacking their luggage. 

OLD MABY. 

The "Annie"? 

POVERTY. 

Yes, the Queen Annie, the wing — the 
modern end. [Pointing.'] 

OLD MABY. 
Modern ! [Laughing to himself.'] 

POVERTY. 

Built in seventeen and eighteen. 

OLD MABY. 

From the way they got out of Devon House, 



LORD POVERTY'S ASSETS. 231 

I should think they'd need to repack. [Laughing.'] 
I must see Rush foot. By the way, you've 
heard about the big strike on the Extension. 

POVEETY. 

Yes, I'm looking for me shares. 

OLD MABY. 
Where is Smile and Gower now! [Laughing.'] 

POVEETY. 

Fancy! [Enters HELEN.] 

OLD MABY. 

The shares closed yesterday at twenty seven 

pounds. 

POVERTY. 

[To himself.] I must find me shares. 

HELEN. 

[Aside:] Where is Jack? [To OLD MABY.] 

Pardon me, Mr. Maby, did anyone call after 

we left? 

OLD MABY. 

Nobody — 



232 LORD POVERTY'S ASSETS. 

HELEN. 
[Aside .] Oh dear! 

OLD MABY. 

Except the art chap and Miss Revere. They 
rode over with me. [To poverty.] Say, say, 
your driveway is in bad shape, it needs 
repairing. 

POVERTY. 

New dirt — of course. 

OLD MABY. 

The critic and Miss Revere jumped out to 
save themselves from being dumped. [Laughs] 

HELEN. 

[Aside.] Jack and Effie here. I'll get my hat. 
[Goes to left entrance^ 

OLD MABY. 

[To HELEN.] Wait — do you know the rami- 
fications of the "Annie" [Laughs to himself.] 

HELEN. 

Follow me. 



LORD POVERTY'S ASSETS. 233 

OLD MABY. 

[To POVERTY.] Say, say, Extension twenty 

seven pounds! [Laughs. Exeunt HELEN and 

OLD MABY] 

POVERTY. 

Fancy' I've three thousand shares. I'm no 

hand at figures. [Reflects^ The noughts from 

three thousand leaves three; three times seven 

is twenty one — I've used the noughts and the 

seven up, Three times twenty is sixty and 

twenty one are eighty one — with the used up 

noughts added, make eighty one thousand, and 

then the pounds! That's it! eighty one thousand 

pounds. But I can't find me shares. [Enter 

JACK and EFFIE through the arched hallway. JACK 

appears doubtful as tJio where the entrance leads. 

Looks in.] 

JACK. 

[Without seeing POVERTY.] This is — 

EFFIE. 

[Loo king. \ So it is. 

POVERTY. 

[Hearing EFFIE'S voice?) Come in Maloney! 
why not? 



234 LORD POVERTY'S ASSETS. 

JACK. 
[With dignity.] I'm here Lord Poverty. 

POVEKTY. 

Of course — you're as good as your word. 

EFFIE. 

I'm out of breath. 

POVERTY. 

\ Rings; EFFIE starts, JACK smiles.'] It takes 
the wind out one to shank Poverty Hill. [To 
EFFIE.] You'll have some water. 

EFFIE. 

No, no thank you. [POVERTY rings twice,} 
I really don't care for any. 

POVERTY. 

Of course. Two bells mean "don't come 
Bullock." 

JACK. 

[Aside.] I wish some of our lord cracked 
American girls could see Poverty Castle. [Laughs.] 



LORD POVERTY'S ASSETS. 235 

EFFIE. 

[To POVERTY.] Where is Miss Rushfoot? 

POVERTY. 

This way — [Pointing to left entrance.] I'll 
show you. [Going toward left entrance^ 

EFFIE. 

Thank you. 

POVERTY. 
If Mr. Randolph will pardon me. 

JACK. 

[Who has been looking at pictures.] Certainly. 
[Exeunt EFFIE and POVERTY. Enters HELEN from 
arched hall way^\ 

HELEN. 

[Doesn't see JACK.] Oh dear! where is he? 
[Sees JACK — starts.] My ! 

JACK. 

[Sarcastically.] Looking for Lord Poverty no 
doubt. 



236 LORD POVERTY'S ASSETS. 

HELEN. 

No I'm not looking for Lord Poverty, but for 
my great big ninny John Randolph Robins Jr. 
[Kisses him.'] 

JACK. 

[Indifferently^ Thank you. 

HELEN. 

[Looks at JACK.] For what, the kiss or the 
complement ? 

JACK. 

I don't want you to kiss me again. 

HELEN. 

I will. I'll kiss you as much as I chose. 

JACK. 
[Working his foot.] I know how to suffer. 

HELEN. 

So do I. Horrible ! [Making- faces.] you've 

been smoking. 

JACK. 

His lordship don't smoke. 



LORD POVERTY'S ASSETS. 237 

HELEN. 

He smokes too — It's perfectly awful. 

JACK. 

What? 

HELEN. 

The odor of an English pipe. Jack, you're 

jealous. 

JACK. 

You're mistaken. 

HELEN. 

Not jealous? 

JACK. 
No, not jealous, but aped on. 

HELEN. 

[Seriously.] You've been wronged Jack, but 
not aped on. 

JACK. 
I've been monkied with, any way. 

HELEN. 

That of course, I know, but not aped on 



238 LORD POVERTY'S ASSETS. 

JACK. 

[With indignation^ Monkied with! Have I 
been brought back from Liverpool to have my 
lacerated heart anointed with vitrol? 

HELEN. 

Now Jack, you stop! You joined me in my 
exile, didn't you ? and why ? Because you knew 
I loved you and of course, anybody could see, 
that you loved me. We wanted to be together. 
To do so, you had your hoodwinking to do, I 
had mine — Lord Poverty had his. I was to 
pretend to love Lord Poverty, when Benson was 
about, in order that he might love Effie under 
cover. Lord Poverty was to make out that he 
loved me, in order that you and I might — 

JACK. 

Might what? 

HELEN. 

Spoon it — without being suspected. That's 
the English of it. 

JACK. 
Why didn't I get the tip? 



LORD POVERTY'S ASSETS. 239 

HELEN. 

[Snappishly.'] Lord Poverty blundered, he was 
to tell you but he didn't. I thought you were 
in the scheme. 

JACK. 

The whole affair is enveloped, even yet in a 
slight London atmosphere. 

HELEN. 

It is! 

JACK. 

Why should my impudence have been discussed 
by your father. 

HELEN. 

Your impudence! what are you talking about 
Jack? 

JACK. 

About "cheek brass, and sublime confidence." 

HELEN. 

[Affecting to fall in despair •.] Oh ! [Snappishly.] 
Father has never talked about yon! 



240 LORD POVERTY'S ASSETS. 

JACK. 
[Surprised.'] No ? 

HELEN. 

'Twas brother George. [Snappishly.'] Mr. 
George Maby. 

JACK. 

[Approaching HELEN.] Helen dear ! 

HELEN. 

[Retreating^ Jack Robins — you keep away 
from me. [Affecting to cry.] Take your old 
steamer and go to America! [Looking sideivays 
at him through her fingers.] Accuse me, of 
trying to pull Lord Poverty's — limb. 

JACK. 

Helen, you know I love you. [Approaching 
her again.] 

HELEN. 

You don't! [Retreating.] You never have! 
[Going to left entrance.] And you can see, that 
I'm not dying for you. [Exit HELEN.] 



LORD POVERTY'S ASSETS. 241 

JACK. 

{With an air of satisfaction^ This is business! 
Love — real love — true love — seasoned 
now and then with a little misunderstanding is 
heaven; but constant scrapping, peppered at 
long intervals, with too much love is — [Pauses.] 
I imagine — [Looking toward front entrance 
and taking a cigar from his pocket.] I'll go out 
and take a smoke, then I'll come back and 
brace the old man; tell him everything, every- 
thing. [Exit through front entrance. Enters 

POVERTY. 

POVERTY. 

[Reflects.] I think so — I'm not sure. [Ef.ters 

HELEN.] 

HELEN. 

Father has just finished reading his mail. 
Now is a good time to tell him, that the great 
art critic is no other than Jack Robins Jr. that 
he wants to marry me — that he is awfully 
smart — that he's madly in love with me and 
things like that. Don't tell Jack! 
TOVERTY. 

Of course — things like that. [Exi HELEN 
through front hallway. Enters RUSHFOOT.] 



242 LORD POVERTY'S ASSETS. 

BUSHFOOT. 

Well Poverty, my boy! how are you, any- 
way? The devil take that dueling affair! Do 
you know, I havn't had a minute with you, 
alone, since the Prince's visit. 

POVERTY. 

How did the celebration come off? 

RTJSHFOOT. 

I'm awfully sorry you were n't there. 'Twas 
great! The Prince acted like a perfect gentleman. 
In his speech he said that the principal of 
arbitration was right — that the edicts of an 
impartial tribunal was preferable, to the dis- 
tressing judgments of the battle field, and so on 
and so forth. He was very nice. Then I spoke ! 
My boy, I was in great form. Following Wales, 
I said that my country and his should join 
hands forever — but here was my most elegant 
outburst. "The most perfect union in all nature, 
transcending the union of states, or the compact 
of empires — a union compared with which, the 
espousals of heaven, or the wedlocks of earth 



LORD POVERTY'S ASSETS. 243 

were but robes of sands — that union was — 
the union of the Siamese Twins. To these, in 
separable fragments of humanity, nature pointed 
with indexed significance to the great possibilities 
of a real Anglo-American combine, with one flag, 
bearing upon it's folds, the imperishable motto 
"Arbitration and Free Trade for England — 
forever!" My dear boy, the American ambas- 
sador, why, he just wept with joy! 

POVERTY. 
Fane} 7 ! You know your daughter Helen — 

RUSHFOOT. 
I should say so. 

10 VERT Y. 

Of course, why not? You see, she'll be marri- 
ageable soon. 

RUSHFOOT. 

She's old enough now. 

POVERTY. 

Old enough — of course — but you see, it's 



244 LORD POVERTY'S ASSETS. 

quite the thing to let a girl know her fate for 
a year or two. She's in love. 

RUSHFOOT 
Well! How about you? 

POVERTY. 

Me? [Looking at RUSHFOOT.] I don't mind 
telling you; the maggot is at me heart too. 

RUSHFOOT. 

It won't do Poverty. \To himself ".] I'm sorry. 

POVERTY. 

Your permission is all that's — 

RUSHFOOT. 

[Sorroivfully.] Now Courtland, I like you, 
you're a descendant of the old barons; I like 
the children of the old baron, those medieval 
scamps, that swore, swaggered, and swined in 
times of peace — yet in the hour of peril, they 
forged to the front, clear up to the vizor of 
their enimies, smote them down or fell them- 
selves. That's right! Sure! 



LORD POVERTY'S ASSETS. 245 

POVERTY. 

About Helen, you see the girl has been 
hoodwinking — 

RTJSHFOOT. 

{Interrupting^ No she hasn't, I've heard a 
few things. Now, how are you fixed? 

POVERTY. 

How am I fixed? 

RTJSHFOOT. 

Yes. 

POVERTY. 

Oh! me assets — if you've any interest in 
knowing, I don't mind telling you, I have an 
estate in Scotland. 

RTJSHFOOT. 

Does this belong to 3 T ou? 

POVERTY. 
Poverty Castle? 

RTJSHFOOT. 
Yes. 



246 LORD POVERTY'S ASSETS. 

POVERTY. 

I've only a life interest in it. I have an 
estate in Scotland, a few miles of dirt and rocks, 
and old trees, that have been groaning away 
for five hundred years. Then there's the stone. 

RUSHFOOT. 
A quarry? 

POVERTY 

No, the rocks of the castle. Some bridge 
building chaps offer to buy the stone. 

RUSHFOOT. 

[Earnestly.] Don't tear the castle down — 
why, sell it! 

POVERTY. 
Could I now? 

RUSHFOOT. 

Sure if you can manage to throw in a title 
with the rocks. 

POVERTY. 
A title goes with the jail. 



LORD POVERTY'S ASSETS, 247 

KUSHFOOT. 

Jail ! I thought it was a castle ? 

POVEETY. 

A castle — of course — to be sure ; but you 
see, me great, great grandfather leased it as a 
jail, or mad house once — I think — I'm not 
sure; and there's me three thousand shares — 

KUSHFOOT. 

[Interrupting^ If a title goes with the castle, 
you can sell it to any widow in New York, 
among the four thousand. It don't matter, my 
boy, whether it's a castle, jail or lunatic asylum; 
provided the title gives the purchaser the right 
to sit even on the royal woodpile, and look 
into the Queen's kitchen. [HELEN appears in 
front hatlway walking on tiptoes. On reaching 
front entrance, beckons POVERTY. The latter 
makes an excuse to approach HELEN, just as 
RUSHFOOT finishes his last speech HELEN whispers to 
POVERTY.] 

POVERTY. 

[To HELEN.] We havn't got to the point yet. 



248 LORD POVERTY'S ASSETS. 

HELEN. 

[To POVERTY.) Make way for Jack then, 

he's coming to the front like a man. [HELEN 

disappears^ 

POVERTY. 

[To RUSHFOOT.] Of course — to be sure. 
[Putting his hand in his pocket, as though search- 
ing for a paper. \ Pardon me a moment, I had 
an inventory of me assets. Where can it be? 
[Goes to left entrance?] Just a moment. [Exit 
POVERTY.] 

RUSHFOOT. 

[Shaking his head.] No — England claims 
one child, she shall have only one; yet Poverty 
is a good fellow. [HELEN and JACK appear in 
the hallway. HELEN kisses him, ivhile he 
straightens up preparatory to Ids interview with 
RUSHFOOT. Enters JACK.] 

JACK. 

[Coughing.'] Mr. Rushfoot. [With nervous 

dignity.] 

RUSHFOOT. 

Why Randolph ! how are you ? [Takes JACK'S 



LORD POVERTY'S ASSETS. 249 

hand. HELEN is seen peeping around the corner 

of left pillar :] 

JACK. 

Randolph is not my — name. 

RUSHFOOT. 

[Aside.] What impertinence! [To SACK snappish- 
ly.} Mr. Randolph, does that suit you better? 

JACK. 

No, no, Mr. Rushfoot, you don't understand 
me. My full name is, John Jack — Ran — 
dolph. [Disgusted with himself] 

RUSHFOOT. 

Oh, Isee! [Laughing.] You take no exception 

to Randolph. 

JACK. 

No sir. I trust that some da}', you will do 
me the honor of calling me your so — your 
Jack — just Jack — ordinary Jack — just Ran- 
dolph Jack [Aside.] This is tough! 

RUSHFOOT. 

[Laughing and shaking Ins head.] Sure! I 



250 LORD POVERTY'S ASSETS. 

had a friend named Jack once, Jack — [Reflecting.] 
Robins. We were boys together. He was the 
wildest devil I ever knew, and they tell me, 
that he's got a son that's a terror. 

JACK. 
How did your friend Jack Robins pan out? 

KTJSHF00T. 

[Deliberately. .] Oh, all right as a man, but as 
a boy — My heavens! Cheek! He had an efful- 
gent front, that would make a horse shy. 

JACK. 
Have you ever seen his son? 

RUSHFOOT. 

No, nor I don't want to! [HELEN in despair.} 
But Jack, how are you, you're an art critic? 

JACK. 

[Aside.] I'll give him a sample off my efful- 
gent front. [To RUSHFOOT.] Art critic, yes sir,— 
an art critic, that's what I pretend to be. I'm 
clever and ambitious. 



LORD POVERTY'S ASSETS. 251 

RUSHFOOT. 

That's good, that's the way to talk. [Aside.] 

Just a little gall. [To JACK.] Ambitious, that's 

right. 

JACK. 

Ambitious to get married, 

RUSHFOOT. 

Why don't you? 

JACK. 
With your permission, I will. 

RUSHFOOT. 
[Surprised.] My permission? 

JACK. 

Yes, Mr. Rushfoot, with your consent, I'll 
marry your lovely daughter. Helen's anxious, 
and I'm willing, no, no the anxiety is here! 
[Pointing to himself.} 

RUSHFOOT. 

[With suppressed indignation.] Have you been 
making love to my daughter, sir? 



252 LORD POVERTY'S ASSETS. 

JACK. 

{Earnestly and looking RUSHFOOT in the face.] 
I have! I'm a man of taste! 

KUSHFOOT. 

[Cooling dozvn.] Admirable taste, but — [Enters 
POVERTY, RUSHFOOT looks at POVERTY and then 
at JACK. Aside.] Great Scott! how many more? 
This makes three, counting that young scamp 
in America, Jack Robins. 

POVERTY. 

I can't find me inventor} 7 . 

RUSHFOOT. 

Never mind, Poverty. 

POVERTY. 

[Looking at RUSHFOOT and then at JACK. J Am 
I in the way ? 

JACK. 

Not in my wa}/? 



LORD POVERTY'S ASSETS. 253 

POVERTY. 

[To RUSHFOOT.] Of course not. Marriage 
after all is only a womans question. Men bother 
around about it, on the day of show — that's 
all — I think — I'm not sure. 

RUSHFOOT. 

[To POVERTY.] Do you know, that Mr. Ran- 
dolph is also in love with my daughter? 

JACK. 

[7<? liimself — surprised.] Also in love? 

POVERTY. 

I don't know about the also chap, but I do 
know about Jack, he wants to take Helen over. 

RUSHFOOT. 
Take her over? 

POVERTY. 
Yes — marry her — why not ? 

RUSHFOOT. 
[Looking at JACK, and then at POVERTY aside.] This 



254 LOkD POVERTY'S ASSETS. 

is mysterious! [To POVERTY.] Not five minutes 
ago, you were asking my consent — 

POVERTY. 
To be sure — to let Jack have her. 

RUSHFOOT. 

[Aside.] Oh, that's different! There's one third 
of the mystery solved. 

JACK. 

I didn't ask anybody to intercede in my behalf, 
I'm man enough to face the music myself. 

RUSHFOOT. 

I think you are. [Aside.] I'll floor him! [To 
JACK.] Assuming that you're a gentleman, and 
not addicted to the use of brandy, I'll discuss 
this question, even in the presence of his 
lordship. When my daughter marries, I shall 
give her two hundred thousand dollars. What 
will you give her? 

JACK. 

Two hundred and one thousand. 



LORD POVERTY'S ASSETS. 255 

RUSHFOOT. 
Are you a man of fortune? 

JACK. 

I'll cover your money and raise you one. 

RUSHFOOT. 

Who are you anyway ? 

JACK. 

John Randolph Robins, Jr. 

RUSHFOOT. 

[Looking at JACK.] So you are, and a chip 
of the old block. {Surveying- /;im.] So you're 
Jack Robin's son. 

POVERTY. 

Of course — the art critic. 

RUSHFOOT. 

[Aside.] Two thirds of the mystery is cleared 
up. Well, well, well. [To JACK.] You'll permit 
me a little breathing spell, wont you. 



256 LORD POVERTY'S ASSETS. 

POVERTY. 

[To JACK, pleadingly.] Of course — \N\\y not? 

JACK. 

A short one, yes. 

KUSHFOOT. 

[Going toward left entranee.] Is it possible? 
[Looks at JACK.] Yes, the other third vanishes, 
[Exit RUSHFOOT.] 

HELEN. 

[Enters from arched entrance^ Come on Jack 

JACK. 

Hurrah! [To poverty.] Come on, let's get 

out. Hurrah ! 

POVERTY. 

Why not? [Exeunt JACK, HELEN and POVERTY. 
HELEN and JACK are seen embracing. POVERTY' 
congratulating them. Enters MRS. MABY followed 
by MR. MABY.] 

MR. MABY. 

Her treachery was fiendish — she ought to 
suffer. 



LORD POVERTY'S ASSETS. 257 

MES. MABY. 
She does. Read her letter. 

MR. MABY. 
[Refusing letter^ No, no ! Forget her. 

MRS. MABY 

She has left Dorchester Oaks for good — 
London is to be her future home. Poor sinful 
Lizzie. Gone! Out of my life forever! 

MR. MABY. 

Come, let us wander through the labyrinths of 
this historical old place. [Exeunt MR. and MRS. 
MABY. Enters HELEN and EFFIE through main 
hallway, the latter laughing half hysterically^] 

HELEN. 

[Out of breath^] Think of Lord Poverty 
forgetting to tell Jack. [Laughs.] Oh, how he 
did mix us all up! 

EFFIE. 

You and Jack are mixed up for good now, 
aren't you? [Laughing.] Oh dear! 



258 LORD POVERTY'S ASSETS, 

HELEN. 

[Sentimentally.'] Forever and forever! Father 
hasn't said the word yet, but it's all right. 
I must get a wrap, Jack made me come back 
and get one. He's so careful of me. [To effie.] 
Why don't you get engaged it's so nice^ Do 
please, for my sake. 

EFFIE. 

[Laughing.'] For your sake? 

HELEN. 

[Earnestly.] I mean for Lord Poverty's sake. 
He loves you, and he's got money now. Of 
course, I wouldn't sacrifice you to a lord, unless 
he had money — of course not. 

EFFIE. 
You think he loves me? 

HELEN. 

I know he does! [Tragically.] I swear he 
does ! [Looking at EFFIE zvith a knowing glance.] 
And I know something more than that. 



LOkD POVERTY'S ASSETS. 259 

EFFIE. 

What, pray ? 

HELEN. 

You love him. [Tragically] I'll swear to 
that too. 

EFFIE. 

[Seriously. Ptitting her arm around HELEN.] 
You happy, happy, dear girl! You are an 
American, I will tell you all. Lord Poverty is 
a strange man, different from all men, in all 
ways. To be sure, my life has been a narrow 
one, but I'm not giving you my little opinion. 
Men and women, who have lived abroad in the 
world, say the same thing. He sought me, a 
poor girl, forced by fate to abide in a land, and 
among a people, that my father, my mother 
knew not ; he has asked me to become his wife. 
Helen, I would, if Bruce Buckingham were here 
to give — his consent, for I d — I do love him. 
I have tried to laugh the thought out of my life, 
but in vain. Yes, Helen my happy girl, I love 
Lord Poverty. Some mysterious, undeflnable 
influence tells me, that I shall be his wife, but 



260 LORD POVERTY'S ASSETS. 

not until Bruce Buckingham consents. [Making 
an effort to laugh.'] So you see I shall have to 
wait. 

HELEN. 
Does Lord Poverty know you are only waiting? 

EFFIE. 

[Shaking her head.] No! 

HELEN. 

Here he comes. Oh, Jack will scold for keeping 
him waiting so long. [Exit HELEN. Enters PO VERT Y.[ 

POVERTY- 

You're alone Miss Revere? You see I must 
call you that hereafter — of course — why not ? 

EFFIE. 

Please don't Lord Poverty. 

POVEKTY. 

Some day, when you're married, I might call 
you Maloney, when your husband was about; 
it would be awkward, you know. 



LORD POVERTY'S ASSETS. 261 

EFFIE. 
I shall never marry. 

POVERTY. 

You won't now, Fancy! 

EFFIE. 
Never! 

POVERTY. 

[Looking at EFFIE.] You will make a good 
spinster? [Rings, ,] Of course — why not? You've 
been a fine girl, Maloney — I've had me eye 
on you. You see, the world thinks, that any 
sort of feminine rubbish is good enough for a 
wife, that an old maid is good for nothing. 
They forget, that in the matrimonial market, 
the best stuff is often left over. It gets shop 
worn, why not? — but the quality is there. [Enters 
BULLOCK. To BULLOCK.] Bullock fetch me old 
assets. 

BULLOCK. 

Himmediatly, me lud. [BULLOCK retires.'] 



262 LORD POVERTY'S ASSETS. 

EFFIE. 

The same hold true of bachelors, does it not? 

POVERTY. 
Why not? 

EFFIE. 

You'll marry some time, my lord. 

POVERTY. 

[Looking at EFFIE with marked earnestness.'] 
If I wait until you're shop worn, will you have 
me? Of course — you might chance me then. 

EFFIE. 

[Bashfully.'] How long are you to be in 
America ? 

POVERTY. 

[Turning his head slowly and looking at 
EFFIE in slight astonishment.] Not till you're 
shop worn. You've color enough in your face 
to last for years — wrinkles don't come in a 
day. I'll come back — why not? — and watch 
you decay. You might have a bad spell for a 



LORD POVERTY'S ASSETS. 263 

year or two, of course — then you'd wear quick. 
You know a woman without beauty, is like a 
soldier without a gun. She surrenders at the 
word. I'll knock about alone — [Looking etc 
effie.] until your cheeks fade. 

EFFIE. 
Lord Poverty, I believe you love me. 

POVEETY. 

Why not? You see I've always been — [To 
himself.] mushed — mushed — that's not it — 
squashed — yes — that's it. I've always — 
[Hesitates.] wanted you. 

EFFIE. 

[Approaches POVERTY. Solemnly and with eyes 
fixed on the floor. ] Lord Poverty, I love you. 
Though I love yoa, I can not become your 
wife without the consent — [Enters BULLOCK 
carrying old steamer trunk. On the end, painted 
in black letters, is the name "BRUCE BUCKINGHAM" 



264 LORD POVERTY'ES ASSTS. 

sticking out front beneath the cover, is a quantity 
of straw. As BULLOCK approaches the table, 
where he places the trunk, the straiv falls on to 
the floor.] 

POVERTY. 

You've been gone long, Bullock. 

BULLOCK. 

Yes me lud, Hi'ad to clear haway the rubbish. 
When Hi placed the trunk him the Harches 
Tower, Hi must 'ave left the top hup, me lud. 

POVERTY. 

[Opening the trunk, and slowly wiping his 
hands with handkerchief.] You left the top up, 
of course. The straw from the rack above has 
been falling on me assets. 

EFFIE. 

[Aside.] I must control my feelings. I have 
for months and I shall continue to. I'll laugh 
yes laugh. [Struggling with her emotions. To 
POVERTY.] Do you keep your valuables in the 
stable? 



LORD POVERTY'S ASSETS. 265 

POVEETY. 

No, in the tower. I've lost the only valuable 
asset I had. If it isn't here, it's no where. 
[Opens the trunk. EFFIE approaches the table, 
POVERTY takes straw out and throws it on the 
floor. POVERTY looks into the trunk with an 
odd gaze. EFFIE starts.] Here Bullock — [Taking 
a CAT from the trunk.] you needn't mind the 
other cat. 

BULLOCK. 

[Who has been picking up straw from floor.] 
Very well, me lud. [Takes cat and goes to left 
entrance.] 

EFFIE. 
[Laughing.] Is that your valuable asset? 

POVEETY. 

[Taking KITTENS from the trunk.} Bullock! 

BULLOCK. 

Yes, me lud. [Turns; trjs to conceal a broad 
smile 071 seeing the kittens. Approaches POVERTY, j 



266 LORD POVERTY'S ASSETS. 

POVERTY. 

Be careful of the cat. {Hands BULLOCK kittens.] 

BULLOCK. 

Yes, me lud. 

POVEETY. 

It's the only asset I've got, that pays a 
dividend. [BULLOCK retires with cat and kittens ',] 

EFFIE. 

[Who has been taken ivith a fit of un control- 
able laughter.] Oh dear! Pardon me! [Continues 
to laugh. Goes to front entrance greatly em- 
barrassed?^ 

POVERTY. 

[Looking at EFFIE.] You see the cat was not 
the asset I was after. [Looks in t7ntnk?\ What's 
this? [Takes bundle of papers from trunk ',] Here 
are me shares. [Examining different documents.'] 
I think so — I'm [Looks at paper.} not — yes, 
here they are. [To EFFIE.] You said you couldn't 
become me wife, unless some one consented. 



LORD POVERTY'S ASSETS. 267 

EFFIE. 

\Wko still lauglis, and in evident distress. 
A T ods.] Yes. [Laughs.'] 

POVERTY. 

[With shares in hand, looks at EFFIE.] Who's 
the chap? [Shuts doivn cover of trunks 

EFFIE. 

[Who sees the name — "BRUCE BUCKINGHAM" 
on end of trunk, still laughing, now hysterically. 
POVERTY takes her by the hand. EFFIE half 
unconsciously staggers to the trunk, throws herself 
on it.] Bruce Buckingham ! [Now weeping and 
laughing \] 

POVERTY. 

[To BULLOCK, who appears at left entrance, 
looking for more straw.] Brandy, quick ! 

BULLOCK. 

Yes me lud. [BULLOCK retires.] 

POVERTY. 
[Leads EFFIE to a sofa.] Sit down. — 



268 LORD POVERTY'S ASSETS. 

why not? [Aside.] They tell me a shock is 

good for hysteria. {Kisses her. To EFFIE.] I'm 

Bruce Buckingham. An other shock {Kisses 
her again.) I consent. 

EFFIE. 

[Starts.] What? 

POVERTY. 

It's your medicine. [Enters BULLOCK with 
brandy bottle and a glass. POVERTY pours some 
into a glass and offers it to EFFIE.] It's brandy. 
[EFFIE drinks.] 

EFFIE. 

[Standing up\ Oh ! [Looks at POVERTY.] You 
Bruce Buckingham? 

POVERTY. 

Of course — why not ? 

EFFIE. 

[Throws her arms around POVERTY'S neck.] 
Then my dream is true! [Kisses him] 



LORD POVERTY'S ASSETS. 269 

POVEETY. 

[Kisses EFFIE and looks at audience.'] -Why 
not; [To EFFIE.] I'll tell you all about it, when 
we get on the steamer. 

EFFIE. 

Steamer ? 

POVERTY. 

Yes, you're going to America with us. You 
see, my full name, cutting off a yard at each 
end, is Bruce Courtland, Phellps, Buckingham, 
Poverty. [Enter HELEN and JACK.] 

HELEN. 

[Seeing POVERTY with his arm supporting EFFIE.] 
Oh, have you — ? 

EFFIE. 
[Approaches trunk and leans against it.] Yes. 

POVERTY. 
[To HELEN.] Yes, I'm to take her over. 

HELEN. 

[Clapping her hands.] I'm so happy! [To 



270 LORD POVERTY'S ASSETS. 

POVERTY.] She loved you all the time. [To 
EFFIE, kissing her.} You see, I wasn't pulling 
his — [Whispers.} for a title. [EFFIE smiles, 
HELEN laughs.] 

JACK. 

[Shakes POVERTY'S hand.] Here comes a lucky 
man. 

HELEN. 

[Who sees her father approaching the left 
entrance^ Lucky ? 

JACK. 

Yes, to get me foi a son-in-law. [To RUSHFOOT, 
zvho is folloived by MR. and MRS. MABY.] How 
about that breathing spell? 

RUSHFOOT. 

I've had it. Every one in this Castle is your 
friend, and I am too. [Shakes JACK'S hand.] 
Look here, 'twas that brandy that did it. You 
had a good chance to play the goody, goody 
sneak, and you didn't. Jack [In a low voice.] 
let me off for a hundred thousand wont you? 



LORD POVERTY'S ASSETS. 271 

JACK. 
Ask Helen. 

RTJSHFOOT. 

[Putting his arm around HELEN.] You will 

wont you? 

HELEN. 

[Looks at JACK who shakes his head.] Father 

I can't. 

RUSHFOOT. 

Well children, God bless you! 

MRS. MABY. 

[Laughing and kissing JACK.] I never dreamed 
of having a great art critic for a brother. 
[Enters OLD MABY, talks with Ids son who points 
to HELEN, JACK, POVERTY and EFFIE.] 

JACK. 

[Pulling from his pocket a pair of cuffs 
covered with writing^ Please accept these, as n 
souvenir of my first criticism. 

MRS. MABY. 
[Taking cuffs laughs?^ Thank you. 



272 LORD POVERTY'S ASSETS. 

OLD MABY. 

[To JACK, laughing.] Say, say you havn't been 

fishing for soap? YouVe got enough of your 

own. [To all.] Harry rode over and brought 

the news "Sirao pleaded guilty, and got five 

years" Maxey is doing well and clapped his 

hands for joy, when he heard that he was to 

go back to Italy. [To MR. MABY.] The 

agreement you make, for his support and 

education, will be completed and ready for your 

signature, tomorrow. The papers say you are 

to be knighted. 

ALL. 

Good, good! 

EUSHFOOT. 

[To POVERTY, ivho has been talking to EFFIE. 
Loiv music, LIFE ON THE OCEAN WAVE.] Well 
Courtland my boy, you're going to marry. That's 
right sure! Be happy, live in peace and in 
America. 

POVERTY. 

Of course. You see, if Maloney and I have 
any nisunderstandings, we'll submit the thing 
to arbitration. 



LORD POVERTY'S ASSETS. 273 

EUSHFOOT. 

That's right! Let your motto be "Maloney 
and Poverty — for Maloney — forever." 

POVERTY. 

Of course. [To RUSHFOOT.] I'll sell me castle 
in Scotland. 

RUSHFOOT. 
Your jail. [Laughing.'] 

POVERTY. 

Of course. Sell me jail to the four thousand 
New York widows, and live in America, 

EFF1E. 

Yes, beneath the blue skies. 

POVERTY. 
Of course — why not ? 

[THE END.j 
Printed by G. JACOB, MANNHEIM (Germany). 



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